Umming and Coiffeurring

My old friend Chas, who resides in Paris these days, has found me a Coiffeur Français to prove once more that the humble hairtdresser is the tour de force in the punning shop world:



Trés bien, mon amis!

You beauty!

It was my dear Mother's birthday this weekend, so I went home to join in the celebrations. As it was my ex-Uncles (I'll let you try and work that one out) birthday the same weekend, we had pretty much the entire clan round for platters and belly laughs.

Oh the joy at my dad regailing his story of being robbed by prostitutes on La Rambla, and dear old mum comparing the sizes of me and my brother's "cheruby bits" at birth. Delightful. Happy Birthday Lolls!

Anyway, in the bathroom, while sighing at the sad decline of said bits, I spotted a small pot of some sort of acti-pentapeptide-alorum cream or something on the counter. I was delighted that even the beauty industry has gotten in on the act:



Which reminds me of a range I spotted in a kitch little shop in Teddington last week, that was very nice:



I think the shop assistant thought I was trying to nick stuff as I sneakily whipped my phone out to snap a shot. Dont know why though.. My skin's as precious as the day the old girl popped me out, I tell you.

Tears For Cheers

Well, I have to say, never before have I received an email threatening to cry actual tears because I had yet to put up a submission! But all that changed yesterday, oh my did it.

However, I'm not the kind of guy who'll pander to that kind of emotional blackmail! Heck no! And nor would I be so disgraceful as to out said blackmailer. That's just not my style.

Anyway, onto todays submission from ROSIE "IT WASN'T I WHO THREATENED TO CRY" MARTIN. Rosie, has found me an absolute belter from Battersea:



Gawd bless her.

Now don't go thinking I'm going to give in to all your weeping, you lot. I'm made of sterner stuff than that. Probably.

Star Gnaws

After a bit of a hiatus, that Canuckabee Ben emailed me recently with a beauty from his childhood. Let's have him explain his find himself:

"I was just throwing away 30 years worth of hoarding various forms of media (10kg of CDRs/DVDRs, a stack of minidiscs, remember those? every sci-fi movie ever, recorded off TV onto VHS and a pile of magazines from back when NME looked like a newspaper and Paula Yates was an FHM pin up girl) and I came across the Return of the Jedi Christmas Annual. I threw it out of course, but not before I scanned in this little gem."


(Check out the bottom box)

"I myself owned the Ewoks toothbrush in 1984, and then managed to find the Luke Skywalker version, in a dusty East London Pharmacy, almost ten years later."

Terrific stuff. It just goes to show this punnery lark isn't all modern day rubbish and chip shops!

Snow Joke!

It's ruddy snowing!! That's exciting isn't it? Unless you live in Basingstoke and you're stuck on a roundabout or something like that. Or self employed. Like I am.

NEVER MIND! Let's have fun!

If you're off of work or school or just generally mucking about it the white stuff tomorrow, then make me some sort of snow-based punnery and take a picture! Maybe you could build a John Barrsnowman, or get your testicicles out! Actually, don't do that.

Send your pictures to sean@thepunningman.com and I'll post the best ones up once we're all clear and the nation's grit supply finally shows up.

Happy New Decade!

Blimey it really is the future! I can use an Oyster Card in Surbiton now and everything!

Apologies for the admittedly cold shoulder of the past month or so, but I've been living up the festivce season with family and friends, as I'm sure all of you have too. I sincerely hope you had a lovely time of it. I certainly did!

But now, back to business, and with a new decade comes resolutions and promises, new ideas and indeed the culling of old ones. I'm sure you've noticed there's been a lack of TFI Punday over the last few weeks. I think that had come to a natural hault though, and given my current employment status it's been on the backburner, shall we say.

But I am still here! And I am every thirsty for your submissions, ideas, input and love. And so to kick off 20X, I'll give you a nice bumper lot of entries to warm your cockles on this frightfully chilly afternoon.

Firstly, a trio from Lucy:





Both of these beauties are in Poole, proving yet again that the south coast is a hive of wordplay. I don't want to start some soret of north/south war or anything, but I think it might spice up the hunt a bit if I did, so COME ON YOU NORTHERN MONKEYS!

I don't mean it. That could cause..



Double-pun alert! That puts Pass The Pigs to shame!

While doing a spot of Christmas shopping, I found some punnery myself! Surbiton's charity shops came up trumps on a couple of occasions:





And in the window of (the sadly no longer with us) Borders in Kingston town was this delightful poster:



And lastly, a return to form for the humble fish joint from Luke:



Thanks to everyone who has read, submitted, joined in on TFI Punday or joked along with me throughout last year. Now let's get 2010 going stronger, and keep an eye out for exciting things in the pipeline too!

Ooh, cryptic.

Cut!

That boy Murta has turned in another hairdresser's, this time in Manchester. He's pretty much got The North covered on his onesies!



Given the state of the prisoner's barnets in that particular movie, I'm not sure that's the best thing to call a barbers. But I'm pleased, obviously.

Get submittin'!

TFI Punday 9 - #BritshCelebs

After a week's break TFI Punday made a welcome return on Monday.

The topic was #BritishCelebs. A double edged sword in that any Twitter trending may have merely dissolved into children discussing their favourite X Factor reject, while others may have gone down the always hazardous racism route.

Thankfully neither of those reared their ugly head, and we were left with a select few delivering slices of fried gold. Let's see what we got:

Lethal Drizzle
Waterlooie Walsh
Pub Daddy
Emma Bunting
Fête Winslet
Raffle Benitez
Bingo Star
Gerard Butlins
Co-oprah Winfrey
Morris Day
Mr Tea
Warren BT Tower
Harrods Shipman
Cloudier Winkleman
Keanu Jeeves
Peter O'2
Enid Blighty
NHSther Rantzen
Monarchy Lewinski
Dustbin Hoffman
Sir Alan Sugarpuffs
Billy Colony
Rugby Wax
Landofhopeandgloria Hunniford
Laurence Datallyho!
Picalilli Allen
Sean Bea n' Q
Ryvita Hayworth
Curry Grant
Peter Stilton
David Cockney
Alesha Dixons
Darts Garfunkle
Roast MacGowan
Steve TheQueen

Tremendous work all round! All I come up with was Dinnerlady Gaga.

Must try harder.

Trios me a favour

Steve never just sends me a single pun. It's like bloomin' buses with him, and yet again, he's sorted me out a trilogy to show you today.



Music to my ears, that one! I love a bit of fish. There's a tremendous one just round the corner from here. If you're ever in the area, do let me take you there. Last time I went for a small cod there I got a large one and a knowing wink for no extra charge. That's the most sexually-loaded sentence you're likely to read on here, but I promise you it was all above board.



Here's an admission for you. I had no idea what clumping was, so I looked it up. Let's face it, clumping gold sounds like a review of a nice cup of tea in The North. "Cheers Barbera, that's clumping gold, that." Certainly not something you'd hear in the home of a sophisticat, you'd think.

And speaking of a nice cup of tea..



It certainly wood.

On a little side note, sorry about the lack of TFI Punday today. Having to get out of Butlins by 10am into torrential rain and a three hour drive home, combined with an internet signal so weak, it couldn't lift helium, decided today's fate. I apologise if you ended up actually having to work.

TFI Punday 8 - #ClothingSongs

I have a miniature dilemma. Next Monday I will be coming down from the high of spending three days at Butlins going beserk and watching several fantastic bands at a very high volume. I will try and sort out TFI Punday from the magic of my phone, but I am not making any promises.

I was considering winding down with it anyway. I don't want it to be the one reason anyone visits my small corner of the internet, but on the other hand I love the twinkling joy it's brought to so many people. We'll see how we go.

But this week was another stong one. #ClothingSongs provided some absolute beauties. Here's the pick of your fruitful bunch:

Immigrant Thong
Simply The Vest
Glove in an Elevator
Jumper Round
Shoes That Girl?
What I Go Cagoule For
Y-Frontin'
Sleeping With The Tights On
Blouse of Glory
We Will Frock You
Billie Jeans
I Would Do Anything For Love (Bowtie Won't Do That)
Everybody Skirts
Kings of The Y-Frontier
Window Slipper
Hard To Sandle
Scarf a World Away
Mitten on The Dock of a Bay
Smalls Like Teen Spirit
Parkalife
Gown Sugar
Burqas of You
Hat's Entertainment
High Heels! Silver Lining
Beenieround The World
Flares Your Head At?
Video Kilt The Radio Star
Everbo Tshirts
Sari Seems To Be The Hardest Word
Waders My Heart Feel So Bad?
When You Wish Apron a Star
Teenage Kecks
Barbour Black Sheep
Give Fleece a Chance
We Will Frock You
I Want Tutu Love Me
Trilby Comin' Round The Mountain
Nothin But a G String
Boob Tubular Bells
Pinny Lane
Tabard Days Night
Hey Big Suspenders
Wuthering Tights

Et moi:

Britches Aint Shit
Socks On Fire
Hoody You Think You Are?
Of Corset Fell Apart
Bowtie And The Beast

See you next week, perhaps.
Do keep reading and submitting though, eh?