NY excuse

Ben, our man in Canada has been away in New York this week on a Stateside pun-finding mission!

He reports: "I thought I could come and visit some friends as well to justify the trip. I was looking up aquarium shops on Google, because the guy I'm staying with was considering getting some kind of amphibian.. and I came across a place called Afishionado! Struck gold! Sadly, the store closed down five years ago."

I know it's gone, but I couldn't let that one slide. It's just too good.
He did find this Buffalo chicken wing joint though, just north of Bleecker Street:



I'm totally visiting that one when I'm over there in September! Looking forward to that.

Ben's also been snacking on these to keep his energy up:



I have to say, I'm worried though. His last email to me ended "This is becoming an obsession. It's kind of winding me up. So if i ever stop sending you stuff, consider me cured/it a good thing."

No deal Ben. No deal.

Weather you like it or not

Dear friends! It's been too long. I do apologise for my absence over the weekend, but with the combination of exotic weather and celebrating my impending birthday (tomorrow, for those wanting to know when to bring the presents round), I've had little time to write things up!

Not for lack of meat though, nosireebob.

First off, that man Jed has Google Streetviewed me one for the grey-mattered cyclists among you (I'm looking at you, Dr Thirde!). Should you ever have some bike problems that just need getting off your chest, then where better to take them, than here?:



Do excuse the regrettable cropping. The Google Car obviously had a mild fit at the point of taking that particular photograph. Some people have no foresight, do they? It's in Oxford, by the by.

Next up, Gary has caught me one that I walk past all the time. It does upset me when people see things that I really should have. But that's why I have you all I suppose! This sign was in the door of a quaint little Italian Café in Kingston:



Grazie, Signor Gary.

Iron to the friiiiiiiiiiills

Well done to Mildred for getting me a pic of this place only minutes from my own door! How I've never spotted myself I don't know. Someone else told me about it last week, but they didn't get me a photo, so SHAME ON THEM.

Behold:



Who really uses a "professional ironing service" though..? Really..? I know we have busy lifestyles these days, and yes, it is a brilliant name (I think it migth be another case of the "there's no way we can't start this company"), but good grief.

I don't iron anything, and I look bloody terrific.

Classic Corner

It's time, once more for a classic clip of bonafide pun gold. This time it come's from those cheeky Carry On chaps. Now I'm guilty of dismissing these films all too often, but my aged pal Douggles reminded me of this gem from Carry On Cleo the other day.



You have to give it to old Kenneth (ooh, I say!) - That's perfect delivery.

Correct punctu-Asian

I'm surprised it's taken almost three whole months for a Wok pun to get sent in, but finally here we are, thanks to Sam:



The pedant in me wants to say "Where's the question mark?", but a swift kick in the jacobs usually sorts him out. The pansy.

A little 'me' time

It's hard keeping up with the Jonses when they're sending you plenty of good stuff. But I do endeavor to try, and so I bring you a trilogy of puns I've recently found all on my tod.



First off, from this week's Kingston Informer, we have a story about the 500th anniversary of King Henry VIII's accension to the throne. To celebrate, they got a lookalike to row down The Thames. Guess the ball's in the tabloid's court now (see, I'm still keeping this up-to-date schtick going).



Next up is William Hill's new window display at their Leatherhead branch. Granted, it's not a particularly strong one, but beggars can't be choosers, and I'm constantly demanding of you.

But lastly:



Oh yeah.. Sherlock Bones: Undercover dog! "The World's first talking police dog on a mission im-paws-ible." And only one measley quid!! I didn't buy it, but come on, that's value! I paid double that for Last Action Hero, which was on the same shelf, and that hasn't got one pun it it!

Does have The Governator though, I suppose.

Ya wheel, ya wheel, YA WHEEL!

My Scouse co-worker Alex was so excited about this tyre company he spotted in Liverpool over the weekend, that he text me to tell me that he would email me, even though his pic was a bit ropey as he was driving a car at the time. I can understand his excitement though:



Hope he has a Father Jack in that van! Alex scouted me a picture of a sign too, so we can get a better look. Good on him.



"More MOT father?"

This one bombed

The execs at whichever toy company came up with this little beauty might want to rethink the name.



Granted, it's a pun, but I can't help but feel that syllables number two and three may be misconstrued given "the state of the world today" as my Nan puts it. Especially with the unfortunately phallic shape of the bloody thing.

Thanks to Ryan for this.

Oh, chef off

A real favourite thing of mine is when a pun is used in a good, old-fashioned put-down.

On one of his many tremendous River Cottage programs this week, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall delivered a killer blow to fellow celebrity chef, Mark Hix. They we're competing to try and catch more fish than the other, which they were going to sell at a beach party later in the afternoon. Hugh had caught a few, but Mark had none. And being the good sport that he was, Hugh called Mark up to gloat. During the conversation he caught another fish and promptly hung up the phone, telling Mark that "I'm going to have to go, I've got someone on the other line."

High calibre dissing there. The only thing that Mark had going for him in the end was that he was wearing this tshirt:



They're available from Meat and Cheese if you want one. I know my brother does!

Eggcess supplies

I'm pretty happy to report that I've a bit of a backlog at the moment! No, not that kind you dirty herbert. Why would I be happy about that? I'd just pop some more bran in my diet.

No! I've had a fair few submissions over the last few days, and not a lot of time to write about them, as I was busy celebrating the lovely Eleanor's birthday. We went strawberry picking. Thanks for asking. No fruit-based puns to be found though, I'm sad to report.

My long-time ginger friend Dunk has picked me up a couple though. And you'll be able to spot just how long I've been waiting to put this first one up when you see the story it's written about.



Ok, so it's today's fish 'n' chips wrapping, and yes, it's an egg pun (Show me someone who's never heard an egg pun and I'll show you a liar. James Martin makes at least 27 every Saturday morning), but I like to keep things topical up in here. There's a cheeky little one in the photo caption if you take a closer look too.

In addition to this, on the most recent Have I Got News For You, they did a spot on this story. Lee Mack showed a clip from the BBC News on it and said "Listen out for the unintentional pun." I'm not sure myself how unintentional it was when the reporter said that our own English Adolf had to be whisked away from the scene.

On a more cheery, un-racist note, Dunk's also got me another boating pun! Taken at Brixham in Devon, it belongs to a cooler brand of boater than the ones I've previously spoken about. Or at least, they certainly think so, given the fact they've smacked BAD BUOYS over the front of theirs.



I bet Martin Lawrence and Will Smith would take these clowns down, yo.

Feet of strength

A wonderful chap named Gaz has been very brave and admitted his foot fetish to me as he's spotted two puns in the space of a day dedicated to our hand's cousins.

The first comes from Footwear and Fashion Extras Magazine (no, I don't subscribe):



Ah, the readers of this mag must be mainly intellectuals and business professionals. They certainly look like something Philip off The Apprentice would've come up with. The tit.

The second one, Gaz ensure me that he justs 'spotted' in a shop window but couldnt get a photo. He hadn't, in fact, spent another lazy Sunday afternoon searching all the foot websites he has in his bookmarks toolbar. Honest.




What I liked most about the link he attached though, is that FitFlop, the makers of the shoes advertised (and a poor pun, but a pun nonetheless) had a set of lunging lessons underneath this ad!

If you’re a little weak in the knees, try lunging on a step, so your front foot is elevated. And don’t let your knee go further forward than your ankle when you’re in the bottom-most spot of the lunge, as it can add additional pressure to your kneecap.

Wise words, I'm sure you'll agree. Lunge properly, people, or don't lunge at all.

Isle of dogs, and so does Ben

He's back! And once again he means business. Our plastic Canuck, Ben has reeled in another trio of North American puns for your viewing pleasure. I'll let him explain them for you again, as it's only fair.

"I found this book in our Ukulele Method section today..."



"...Notice how he has a flying V style uke. Uke'an actually get them. They have pickups too, so uke' an plug them into your Marshall stack."

A Flying V ukelele! That would certainly add another dimension to a George Formby set, wouldn't it?

Sorry Ben, I interrupted:

"I'm not a big dog fan, despite Dogface (see 'Dogface The Movie'), so i went to Toronto's dog festival, Woofstock primarily to get a picture for The Punning Man...."



"...but imagine my delight when we sat down for a rest opposite this sweetcorn stand!"



Yet more certified gold here. My planned trip to Canada just can't come soon enough, I tell you.

Ben has his own blog at www.rememberthisdayforever.com, which I urge you to go take a look at, if not for the fact that he's single-handedly supplying me with killer material week in week out, but because its a genuinely good read /watch / listen. And you blatantly want to check out the Dogface flick he mentioned above. I know you're intrigued.

Starred for life

Did you see that story about the Belgian girl who's had 53 stars tattooed on her face by mistake? Mental! Apparently, there was a bit of mis-communication between her and the French artiste who inked her.

If you haven't seen this story, you're probably thinking this is just an elaborate set-up for me to make a gag. But let me tell you, dear reader, it ain't. Behold the poor lass:



Bless her. She has the look of a girl whose dad got her exercise books instead of a pony. What makes this even more ridiculous is that she claims she fell asleep during the whole thing! How do you nod off when someone's aggressively knitting a milky way into your skull!? Its beyond me..

Anyway! The point. Today, everyone's favourite rag, The Sun ran this story, which closed brilliantly with the line "If it's any constellation, it doesn't look too bad." Thanks to Del for getting me that one.

Hands up who's surprised Del reads The Sun.
No..? Anyone?

Won't you film me in?

More Twitter games for you today! If you're quick you'll probably still be able to join in on a busy round of #nicerfilmtitles. A few of the best one's I caught were:

The Bath of Khan
Resident Weevil
Cakes on a Plane
Drag Me To Hull
Pillowfight Club
A Chocolate Orange
My Mummy Returns
A History of Violins
The Empire Strokes Back
Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead Bored
Jurassic Park & Ride
Zack and Miri Make Al Forno
Interview With The Umpire
Ironing Man
Aging Bull

Some real strong contenders there. Rich joined in late and submitted a pair of corkers in A Nice Fayre on Elm Street and the undoubtedly class Big Cuddle in Little China.

As for me, I had my ups and downs. The few I put in, resulting in an overwhelming ONE retweet of approval were:

Conan The Librarian
Apeckonlips Now
Murmur on The Orient Express
The Devil's Advocaat
Pyjamageddon
Texas Chainsaw Moussaka

...I thought I'd nailed it with that last one, but then @michaelhogan (who does he think he is?) slinked in with Tesco's Chainstore Manchester! The bastard! How do you compete with that?

Do let me know any flickers of brilliance you come up with.

It's good for what ales ya

A charming, young, bespectacled, iPhone-using graphic designer that isn't me emailed me last night. It was a little Twilight Zone-esque, but I'm comfortable with it so there's no reason you shouldn't be either. Put the silver cross down, for goodness sake.

Adam spotted this cracker while up in Knaresborough, North Yorks for the day. It's a little beer importers, he says:



A click on there will reveal a banner across the building in the distance (Adam couldnt get closer because of the weird and supposedly 'famous' Knaresborough Bed Race!) that reads Beer Ritz. The more continentally-aware of you will revel in the pun on the jewel of South Western France, the smashing town of Biarritz. I was there just a pair of summers ago with the missus, and it was trés belle! I thoroughly recommend a visit.

Close Encounters of the Word Kind

I've had a couple of these puns from Murta submitted before (albeit from different places), but what makes these ones so great is that all four were taken within a 30 METRE radius. Yes, metres. Not miles, not kilometres. Metres. You can see each of these from the other if you're built like Mechaneck.

That's extraordinary work. Let's take a look:



Ok, fairly good there. Would've gone with just Deli-cious myself, though.



Stoked to get a Deb n Hair in the flesh and not just Streetview!



Must be good schools round there!



Ah, the pièce de résistance! I have this lovely image of Glenn Gregory popping in to get his dear old nan a bunch of chrysanthemums, while swaggering about in a way only those new romantics could. Gawd bless him.

As a weird caveat to these pictures, Murts ended his email with this:

The owner of Deli-licious followed me to ask what I was doing and then spent about 5 minutes asking me:

• How many readers your website got
• If you were based locally
• If you were also on the radio
• If you'd like more information about his business
• If you'd like to put up their menu on your site

I eventually managed to convince him he was wasting his time.

Sorry Mr Deli-licious, I'm just a user.

The Vegdiner Monologues

In a short but sweet email between two telephones (ah, technology), Mike was able to show me a vegetarian restaurant he'd seen in Marylebone:



I'm surprised he sent me this one really, knowing how much of a carnivore he is. As a fully paid up member of the 71 club, there's no question. But thanks for doing the right thing!

Zine is believing

We've a bit of a crossover with sister blog Shredlines today, as Murta's deemed this little number more appropriate for it's pun-based headline rather than ridiculous nature:



When I was at uni I worked an early shift at WH Smith putting out the newspapers and magazines, and opening the tote with the new issues of the women's mags was always a highlight, even with bleary morning eyes. It's little touches like the WIFE and LOVER note with the comedy arrows that make it, I think. All they need is one more withe TOSSER on there to really compliment the nauseating feast of orange and turquoise that adorns the cover to make it stand out from the 357 other womens magazines it's sheleved next to, like Chat and Cooey!

Ok, I made that one up.

mistakes.him.anhismateSean

Internet celebrity sexpest Del Noble looks a bit like me.

I say a bit, but the general consensus is that we are twins that were separated at birth. The alarming regularity with which Kingston's student population mistake me for him frankly makes me dizzy. I was once even greeted with the not particularly nice "Alright, slut!" The look of horror on the young lady's face when she realised her error was priceless.

Del does have some usefulness though, it appears, as he's emailed me a sign from Puccino's window which they put up after they closed:



It certainly does.

England coaster to victory

Good win for England last night, eh? I sometimes 'umm' and 'arr' about watching those games, cos I feel a bit like Jimmy Greaves did in his half time interview. Did you see that? It was like watching your Grandad on national television going on about the 'good old days' wasn't it? Probably the highlight of ITV's football output for the last ten years.

Anyway, onto more pressing matters. I went to watch the game at the lovely home of Simon and Becks (who are to be wed next week - Congratulations!). Having brought a couple of cans of numbers with me, I reached over for a coaster (I'm a good houseguest, and no-one likes rings on their woodwork) and was greeted with a picture of a chicken on a bar stool. Bit of an odd one, you might think.. And you'd be right. But underneath it, the caption:

Jimmy Hen Drinks

I actually shouted "Yes!" Everyone looked up to see if England had scored. They almost had, but that was just a coincidence. The other five coasters in the set were all of equal worth.



I had to make Jon drink his tea while I took a photo. I'm sure he understands. Have a click on it if you can't read them!

Wind-ow yeah!

I got an email today from my old friend Merrick. He's braved the terrible weather they appear to be having in Ashford, in order to capture me this little wriggler:



I like the similarities between this photo and the one I got from Rachel yesterday. It's like there's an untalked-about Punning Man style that's started cropping up! Don't let that put you off though. I'll accept any old clanger of a pic as long as you can see what's going on!

Just get me more meat for my pun BBQ!

Do you want Dumfries with that?

A wee bonnie lass named Rachel has scooped me a Scottish pun while on tour with her band Anna & The Odd Socks. She actually got two, but unfortunately I was sent one of them a little while back now.

Luckily, the other is tremendous:



I guess, being a vegemetarian, that Rachel's heart wasn't 100% into capturing this one, but the dedication is welcomed all the same.

That's magic!

I just had a short discussion with Paul Daniels.

I'll just let you come to terms with that. I know it's a surreal one for a Sunday evening. But Pauly D just dropped a pun on Twitter! (Please be aware, I haven't signed up just to stalk celebrities who may or may not tweet the odd pun here and there, honest).

So anyway, here's what he had to say:

Favourite 'logo' on a van selling gates for driveways etc. "Bill's Gates" Loved it.

Say "Yes Paul!" (I genuinely did). And to congratulate him, I suggested he should get a photo of it for me. He obviously had nothing better to do, after all. To which he replied:

If I see it again. It was on the M1

Well, I suppose that'll have to do. I didn't hold much hope that the man who's magic set I kept under my bed when I was a young excitable lad was going to go round photographing white vans for little old me. BUT! He only ruddy backed up his claim, didnt he...

Just to prove I wasn't making it up... http://billsgates.co.uk/

Mr Daniels, The Punning Man salutes you!
A thousand thank yous.

Unint(ent)/(ernat)ional

Blimey, thats a complicated title, but I supposed it describes well the latest dish served up be Ben, our bud in Canada. He say's that Mr Ho Lee does indeed serve some delicious food. So much so that he's popped his name out the front of his restaurant:



The only thing that makes me think this is unintentional is the lack of an exclamation mark. Or maybe if Adam West was saying it.

Tweet, tweet, my lovelies

This morning on social networking flavour-of-the-month, Twitter, Richard Bacon (who once stared right into my eyes while filming for The Big Breakfast, which was a bit weird) told the world that he had some tree surgeons in, who trade under the name The Special Branch.

Seems old Rich has a soft spot for puns too, and so he invited his followers to let him know of their favourites. And let me tell you, there were some absolute blinders noted down. I couldn't help but think most were too ridiculous to be real, but you won't be surprised that it gives me enormous pleasure to tell you that there really is an elevator company called Schindler's Lifts!

Praise be! That's one in the eye for Amon Göth, eh?

I've searched high and low on Google Streetview for the pick of the rest, but sadly, the only one I could find on there was this one:



...but what a great one to find. I'm so glad Deb's still in business. She deserves to be with naming flair like that! I only wish I could say the same for her mate at Val Does'air, cos I think that one slightly betters it.

Hopefully the seeds sown this morning flourish! Fingers crossed.

Electric Wizard

It's missionaries like Jed who are the lifeblood of this little blog of mine. He's gone and unearthed another diamond for me, which he clocked while he had the electricians in to check his wiring (Id've put that last bit in inverted commas if he didn't have two kids).



Zing! I think that's his best find yet. He's putting you all to shame.

If it's au clay with you

The big boys must've read yesterday's blog, cos no sooner had I dismissed them in favour of the local press, then The Guardian run this headline after Andy Murray is knocked out of the French Open:



First set, the nationals. Local rags to serve.

Britney's peers

My friend Gin text me to tell me about a team they came up against at a pub quiz last night. They were called Quizteama Aquilera!

Have you ever battled it out against a name that tops that one? I certainly haven't. I usually end up playing three different teams calling themselves Norfolk 'n' Chance who wrongly think it's hilarious. Ugh.

Pronunci-nation

It seems the local rags that have been competing with the big boys for attention this week. At Banquet Records HQ on the weekend I spotted this little one in the Kingston Guardian:



And then later the same day, I was sent this by Ellen:



I love this one, because it's so British and charming. What's not to like about a baker going into retirement after a lifetime of good, honest graft? No-one suggesting he's too kneady!

It does raise a common hazard of the art of punning though, doesn't it? And that tripwire is pronunciation. The last time I recall hearing the word "leaven" was in a lovely song by Jason Webley, where he rhymes it with "eleven". Now, if that's the case, our headline about old Tom up there doesn't work.

It's a theme that's highlighted again in this poster sent to me by R. Simon Kiely :



Our brothers across the Atlantic pronounce the last word on there as "boo-eez", which obviously makes the whole thing sound ridiculous. Just as well these particular posters are only displayed on South West Train stations and not in the subway stops of Queens, then.

Still, something to take note of, eh?

Say you, say meat

Last night I went to a comedy event in Town, in aid of the Sumatran Orangutan Society. It was headlined by the wonderful Bill Bailey, who told the audience (after several renditions of bad Lionel Richie songs) that there was a butcher's in London called Halal - Is It Meat You're Looking For?

If anyone knows of this place or has any photographic evidence that it did in fact exist, please do let me know. Bill has yet to reply to my desperate Tweet. That may well be as pathetic as it sounds.