Cut!

That boy Murta has turned in another hairdresser's, this time in Manchester. He's pretty much got The North covered on his onesies!



Given the state of the prisoner's barnets in that particular movie, I'm not sure that's the best thing to call a barbers. But I'm pleased, obviously.

Get submittin'!

TFI Punday 9 - #BritshCelebs

After a week's break TFI Punday made a welcome return on Monday.

The topic was #BritishCelebs. A double edged sword in that any Twitter trending may have merely dissolved into children discussing their favourite X Factor reject, while others may have gone down the always hazardous racism route.

Thankfully neither of those reared their ugly head, and we were left with a select few delivering slices of fried gold. Let's see what we got:

Lethal Drizzle
Waterlooie Walsh
Pub Daddy
Emma Bunting
Fête Winslet
Raffle Benitez
Bingo Star
Gerard Butlins
Co-oprah Winfrey
Morris Day
Mr Tea
Warren BT Tower
Harrods Shipman
Cloudier Winkleman
Keanu Jeeves
Peter O'2
Enid Blighty
NHSther Rantzen
Monarchy Lewinski
Dustbin Hoffman
Sir Alan Sugarpuffs
Billy Colony
Rugby Wax
Landofhopeandgloria Hunniford
Laurence Datallyho!
Picalilli Allen
Sean Bea n' Q
Ryvita Hayworth
Curry Grant
Peter Stilton
David Cockney
Alesha Dixons
Darts Garfunkle
Roast MacGowan
Steve TheQueen

Tremendous work all round! All I come up with was Dinnerlady Gaga.

Must try harder.

Trios me a favour

Steve never just sends me a single pun. It's like bloomin' buses with him, and yet again, he's sorted me out a trilogy to show you today.



Music to my ears, that one! I love a bit of fish. There's a tremendous one just round the corner from here. If you're ever in the area, do let me take you there. Last time I went for a small cod there I got a large one and a knowing wink for no extra charge. That's the most sexually-loaded sentence you're likely to read on here, but I promise you it was all above board.



Here's an admission for you. I had no idea what clumping was, so I looked it up. Let's face it, clumping gold sounds like a review of a nice cup of tea in The North. "Cheers Barbera, that's clumping gold, that." Certainly not something you'd hear in the home of a sophisticat, you'd think.

And speaking of a nice cup of tea..



It certainly wood.

On a little side note, sorry about the lack of TFI Punday today. Having to get out of Butlins by 10am into torrential rain and a three hour drive home, combined with an internet signal so weak, it couldn't lift helium, decided today's fate. I apologise if you ended up actually having to work.

TFI Punday 8 - #ClothingSongs

I have a miniature dilemma. Next Monday I will be coming down from the high of spending three days at Butlins going beserk and watching several fantastic bands at a very high volume. I will try and sort out TFI Punday from the magic of my phone, but I am not making any promises.

I was considering winding down with it anyway. I don't want it to be the one reason anyone visits my small corner of the internet, but on the other hand I love the twinkling joy it's brought to so many people. We'll see how we go.

But this week was another stong one. #ClothingSongs provided some absolute beauties. Here's the pick of your fruitful bunch:

Immigrant Thong
Simply The Vest
Glove in an Elevator
Jumper Round
Shoes That Girl?
What I Go Cagoule For
Y-Frontin'
Sleeping With The Tights On
Blouse of Glory
We Will Frock You
Billie Jeans
I Would Do Anything For Love (Bowtie Won't Do That)
Everybody Skirts
Kings of The Y-Frontier
Window Slipper
Hard To Sandle
Scarf a World Away
Mitten on The Dock of a Bay
Smalls Like Teen Spirit
Parkalife
Gown Sugar
Burqas of You
Hat's Entertainment
High Heels! Silver Lining
Beenieround The World
Flares Your Head At?
Video Kilt The Radio Star
Everbo Tshirts
Sari Seems To Be The Hardest Word
Waders My Heart Feel So Bad?
When You Wish Apron a Star
Teenage Kecks
Barbour Black Sheep
Give Fleece a Chance
We Will Frock You
I Want Tutu Love Me
Trilby Comin' Round The Mountain
Nothin But a G String
Boob Tubular Bells
Pinny Lane
Tabard Days Night
Hey Big Suspenders
Wuthering Tights

Et moi:

Britches Aint Shit
Socks On Fire
Hoody You Think You Are?
Of Corset Fell Apart
Bowtie And The Beast

See you next week, perhaps.
Do keep reading and submitting though, eh?

Eat'row Airport

My lovely girlfriend Eleanor has just got back from yet another trip to India. She called me excitedly from Terminal 4 two weeks ago to say she'd found a pun for me, and now, a fortnight later here it is!




I think what I like most about it is that saying it makes you sound like you're putting on a posh accent. "One would like to eat at Dining Street this evening." Go on, give it a try. It's fun! It'll make you feel like Alistair McGowan for a couple of minutes. Only funnier.

TFI Punday 7 - #animalgames

Sorry sorry sorry! I've been busy than a very busy bee who's fighting some sort of honey recession lately, so the peak of TFI Punday's lot has been left til the bloomin' Wednesday to surface!

But, better late than never, here's what was upended during a very productive Mondayod #animalgames, if only in gag terms:

Geese Who?
The Weakest Lynx
Connect Boar
Crabble
Giraughts
Cluedoe
Hide n Sheep
Follow My Lemur
Name That Tuna
Vole in The Wall
Monopony
Tic Tac Toad
Pigtionary
Otteration!
Carplunk
Batgammon
Terrapin Bowling
Newts & Crosses
Marbulls
Mortal Wombat
Truth or Bear
Who Wallaby a Millionaire?
Salmon Says
Roebuck's Cube
Grand Theft Otter
Duck in The Mud
Pop-up Primate
Leopardy!
Supermarket Sheep
Downfoal
Duck Billiard Platypus

And all I could scrape from the practically whittled barrel:

Charaadvarks
Dove Ha'penny
Kangaruno
Lacrostich
The Yes/Gnu Game
World of Hawkraft

More sleepless nights next week!

Arts hole

You'll have to excuse any superfluous exclamation marks in this entry, as Tottenham just absolutely HAMMERED Wigan 9-1 and my Dad's had to get me down from the ceiling!

While in this extatic mood, I got an email from Gary about this year's entrys for the Turnip Prize, which is an answer to some other prize for art that may or may not be assosciated with constant ridicule.

Here's the BBC story on it.
One of the highlights being The Knickerless Cage:



Might have to sort out a little viewing of that one!

EASY! EASY! EASY! EASY! EASY!
Didn't that lot beat Chelsea?

Sorry. No more football chat. Promise.

Lee king force it

My old colleague who I constantly got mixed up with, Lee sent me a couple of treats this week. One in the shape of a sign I walk past pretty much every week, which is disappointing for me, given the gentle abuse I occasionally lay on you lot!



I have spotted the state of the chap who cuts the keys in that little wagon though, and believe me when I say you don't want to know whether he's kinky or otherwise.

The other came from picturesque Carshalton:



It's that one we've all heard of, but never actually thought someone would put into practice. But there she is in all her glory for Lee and now you to behold. You lucky beggars.

TFI Punday 6 - #fishpop

Thank goodness I have TFI Punday and you lot to take my mind off the useless staff at a certain popular warehouse of carphones. "Just leave us your number and we'll let you know" " I can't, YOU HAVE MY RUDDY PHONE."

Sorry.

At least #fishpop wasn't useless. Far from. You bloody well loved it! So let's have a little looksee at what the catch of the day was:

Martine McGudgeon
Sharkira
Tina Tuna
Basshunter
N-Chubz
Wu Tang Clam
Squid Row
Everything But The Gill
B:Ream
Belle & Seabasstian
Elvers Presley
Kylie Minnow
Rudd Stewart
Mullet For My Valentine
Shrimple Minds
Culture Chub
Trout-here Brothers
Whelkie Brookes
Fleetwood Mackarel
The Carpenters
Sprat For Lashes
Plaice of Base
Late of The Pierhana
Hake That
Sushi and The Banshees
De La Sole
Morayssey
Public Anemone
Belugababes
Puddle of Rudd
Skate Bush
Kois II Men
Bay City Rollmops
Charlotte Perch

Now, I understand a lot of these aren't actually fish, per se. But it's all in the ballpark, isn't it! So its fine by me as long as a chuckle is raised. I nearly choked reading some of them, so that box is definitely checked.

Well done the lot of you.

Peeping policeman

Officer Pablo Casablancas has sent me a mass of puns this week as we realised that I hadn't been receiving them via text. I hope no-one else has been texting pictures to me to no reply, thinking me quite the tosspot. It's the 21st Century people.. Email does exist.



Don't worry, I've kicked off with the weakest just to warm you up. It's chillybubs out there! I should know, I was barefoot in Richmond Park this afternoon. Lack of forsight from myself there, perhaps.



I thought I'd been sent this one before, but it's just that I remembered walking past it on several occasions when up at London's South Bank. I haven't eaten there yet though. I'm only a newcomer to the whole concept of raw fish, so maybe I'll wait it out.



Yes pie minister! Hope the people at Twitter haven't seen this packaging though. The designer in me is saying "that looks just like the Twitter bird, and the swatch is awfully close to their blue!" And you can cock off calling me a nerd. I saw you queuing up at midnight for the new Call of Duty. Yes you, Mr Xbox 720 with the lights of death and all that.



Here's the real delight of the bunch. Just one little "n" has taken a regular pub notice and made it a piece of literary joy. Bravo White Lion. Bravo inndeed.

TFI Punday 5 - #kitchenfilms

Monday's punning was our most succesful one to date! Well, the most popular at least, but I'd call it a success. I certainly had a few belly laughs, and taht's quite an effort at the moment, as I've been doing more eating and less running of late, so the paunch is a little merrier than usual.

You may have not needed that picture.

To change the subject, lets talk #kitchenfilms! That was this weeks topic, and that's what you sent me in your droves. I'm not numbering these anymore, cause people seem to think it's a competition. And although some are obviously better than others, you're all winners in my one-dimensional book!

Here's the cream:

One Flew Over The Cooker's Nest
Grillers In The Mist
Monster Sink
The Italian Hob
The Goodt, The Bad & The Mugtree
Griddle Shop of Horrors
Plate Expectations
Pyrex of The Carribean
Oh Tupper, Ware Art Thou?
Teatowel Recall
The Grater Scape
To Kilner Mockingbird
Scooperman
Black Fork Down
The Hand That Rocks The Ladle
Wok The Line
The Breville Wears Prada
Dishclosure
My Best Friends Breadbin
Saturday Night Cleaver
Spatula Party
Full Kettle Jacket
Deathwhisk
Unitensil Soldier
Cruet Intentions
Collander Girls
Bram Stoker's Spatula
Captain Corelli's Mandoline
Sieve The Last Dance
Fantastic Mr Forks
Inglorious Basters
Oven Cowgirls Get The Blues
Fork ings
Breville Without a Cause
Indesit Proposal
Kindergarden Cup
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Flagon

Phew! You've done youselves proud! All I came up with was It's a Wonderful Knife, but I have been busy this week, for a change. So up yours! No, I don't mean that. Sorry.

A wee bonnet lad

At the pub the other day, Dr Dave proudly unzipped his top to reveal his most recent purchase from the Sunday Up Market, which the eagle eyed among you will realise is a pun in itself! Well, Dave and Eliza are quite the swanky pair, so it is not lost on them, don't you worry.



Just take a look at how much unbridled joy a fiver can buy you. And in these times of uncertainty and tabloid driven doom and gloom, who wouldn't like a slice of that emotion for such a cheap price?

Vin driving

Ladies and gents, we have ourselves a paradox here of potentially unintentional means. What's Steve found us?



Let's dissect. If they did intend the pun, then they're basically asking for you to go in and annoy them while purchasing your favourite tipple. But who wants that? If they didn't mean it, and you went in to wind them up, then they'd have to change the name to Don't Wine Me Up. But then it'd be like they don't actually want you to come in.. Oh the humanity!

All we are saying...

Oh how I've been searching for this one! And my good buddy Pete has done me justice and snapped it up for me, like the true gentleman he is:



Funny how it's a place that is based on chickpeas that uses it as a tagline, but I suppose a hummus shop needs all the help it can get.

#ShopHorror

Shop shop horror horror, shop shop horror!
Wow, Space weren't very good, were they? I'm sure I used to like that album.

More important business to attend to than reminiscing about mediocre Liverpudlian indie outfits though, my friends. Yes, TFI Punday reared it's ugly head once more to brighten up the post Halloween weekend blues with a good old game of #shophorror.

So, how did you do?

[20] Harvey Nicghouls
[19] BOO!ts
[18] Hellfridges
[17] Costa Coffin
[16] Nightmarican Apparel
[15] Carphone Scarehouse
[14] Spooksavers
[13] Diemark
[12] Deadenhams
[11] Ikillya
[10] Screaman Hardy Willis
[09] Motherscare
[08] Howlfords
[07] Horrorthy Perkins
[06] Marks & Spectres
[05] Disembody Shop
[04] Soul Trader
[03] Abezombie And Witch
[02] I Know What You Did Last Somerfields
[01] Lidle Shop of Horrors

Not as much activity as previous week. Though I suspect the new layout of Facebook which is making everyone cry like little tiny babies with scraped knees may be something to do with that. We'll see.

I could only come up with a couple worth typing, to be honest:

Wolfworths
Slaughterstones
Jane Slasher

Good grief. Let's just get back to you lot sending me photos, yeah?

TFI Punday 4: The Dream Master

BOO!

Did I get you? No, probably not. But at least your attention has been suitably grabbed so that you can join in once again with everyone's favourite gag-based day at the office.

Yes, TFI Punday returns this week with a festive theme! I realise All Hallow's Eve has been and gone, but I couldn't let it pass without giving you lot the opportunity to tip your punning hats to it! And so, I present you with TFI Punday 4:

#shophorror

Everday shops and supermarkets crossed horrifically with scary bits n bobs. So, for example:

AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGG!os
Shriekaway
Sainsbury your dead

So fly, my pretties. Scare me and tickle me in here, on Facebook and Twitter (tagged with #shophorror). Muahahahahaha!

Estate of independence

Ellen found me this one in Newcastle last week, but didn't think it was very good! Oh how wrong she was:



Granted, it's a classic case of an estate agent blowing their own trumpet, but I'm going to let them off, because it is a good one. Plus, my brother's an estate agent, and he's alright I guess.

Training day

I feel like I've been on trains a lot this week. And don't the just bombard you with adverts on there? Up and down the escalators, in the carraiges, on the platforms, I'm surprised the ticket inspectors aren't taught a spiel by Comet for every time you have to show him you aren't bunking.

But, this is of course a wonderful place for puns of all shapes and sizes to hide, as Gary found out when using good old South West Trains this week.



Perfect punning there, and an ideal opportunity for advertisers to once again bring up that pphoto of Hugh that we may otherwise have forgotten about. Ah, the golden boy of British cinema, eh.

I'm pretty shocked that no-one had spotted this one and sent me it though:



Multi-punning of the highest order, and the size of an Elephant and Castle! Come on people, spot it yourself and you could be Tooting your own horn!

Nepalling taste

While travelling through Nepal, Kerry spotted this roof top café and took a photo of it, even though she's never read my blog! Thankfully her brother, the wonderful Dunk does.



I bet it's rocking in there! I heard the menu isn't as good as it was in the 80's though.

Swing when you're winning

It's very important to keep your wits about you when you're wandering about. There's sneaky little bits of punning everywhere. Sometimes they might only be at knee height, as Lucy found out while parading the streets of Bournemouth.



Call me a big old worryguts, but when I'm getting a haircut, the last place I'd go is a barber's names after a David Lynch movie. I'd just be worried the whole time. But then I've only ever had my hair cut by my Mum.

Yes, still to this day..
SHE'S A HAIRDRESSER, ALRIGHT?



This one's a bit less 'clever' I suppose, but another swing sign! Bournmouth loves a bit of it, apparently. I suppose all the old dears are stooped over so it's the perfect advertising technique down there. More succesful than plastering ads around that balloon, I'll wager?

#BoringTV

So the results are in. I did deliberatly try t make it a bit tougher this week, and I think it showed as there was a lot less activity than the previous couple. I'm sorry if it wasn't as enjoyable as previous Mondays, but this is all an experiment, eh? I hope it won't put you off joining in next week.

So! Boring TV, what did you come up with?

[20] Nothing For The Weekend
[19] Neighboreds
[18] Outslumbered
[17] UK Boredom Force
[16] ZZZZzzzzzzzz Cars
[15] Two And a Half Meh
[14] Bland of Brothers
[13] Snoozeround
[12] WWE: Mundane Night Raw
[11] Supermarket Sleep
[10] Friday Night With Johnathan Dross
[09] Question Tame
[08] Strictly Glum Dancing
[07] Indiff'rent Strokes
[06] Bland Designs
[05] Emmerdull
[04] Dreerie Indiana
[03] Beigewatch
[02] Whose Line is it Ennui?
[01] I Own Britain's Best Gnome

That last one is terrific. And, yes! I kept it down to 20 this week. Hooray for me!
Well, I say hooray for me, but this is what I came up with:

Beige Anatomy
Dull or No Dull
Frowned Force

Not much to shout about there, but in my defence, I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl about that Gnome one.

TFI Punday 3: Return of The King

Do you know, these weeks are flying round at the moment. And this one's been a whole hour longer than the last one! (I hope you remembered to put your clocks back, otherwise you're going to be at work early!).

I'm starting to (dare I say it) look forward to Mondays!

Ugh, enough of that. Let's get on with the job at hand. You should know the drill by now! TFI Punday is a 24 hour game of creating puns to a subject in order to make Mondays more tolerable.

This week's subject is:

#BoringTV

Now, it;s worth pointing out here that I don't want you to just list television programmes that you find boring. I once saw BoringBands trend on Twitter, and it was just a load of kids writing "U2! COLDPLAY! LOL! They izz duuuuulll!" and the like. Please don't get lured into that trap, no matter how tempting it may be or how much of an abomination X Factor is.

Here's a couple of examples to set you off:

Last of The Summer Whine
This Yawning

So, as always, tag your Twitter posts with #BoringTV or join us on Facebook, and let's have some ruddy fun, yeah?

Derby day

My friend Steve moans when I don't put up things that he sends me. It's nice to know that people are so desperate to appear on this little blog. Heartwarming, almost.

So here's a little gambling establishment that he found while visiting historic Derby to see everyones favourite naked UK ska circuit stalwarts, Lightyear play a one-off show in celebration of Bars' wedding. I wish I could've been there:



Not much of a pun though. Sean Connery always calls them that.

Ad vans theory

Erstwhile gentleman Matt Boyle has collected me a pair of moving targets to share with you today. Granted, they weren't actually moving when he photographed them, but it makes the capture all the more satisfying when you know your timing was perfect.

Oh my, I've just had the horrible thought of how many beauties I must have missed in the past. Damn you trasportable wordplay! You've (probably) bested me again!

Enough of that, let's dissect:



TV, Video and.. microwave repair? Bit of an odd one to throw in with the previous two. Did he go round an old dear's house who thought her telly was on the blink, only to find out she'd put the microwave in the corner of the lounge? "I just can't seem to tune it in and I want to see Strictly!" she'd gently weep. Not having the heart to tell her, our trusty repairman swaps it for his own TV set, so little Dorris can get her fix of Brucie and the gang. What a hero.



As if owning a Citröen Xsara wasn't enough of an indicator, the lass at Overcome With Emulsion feels it's very necessary to point out that her company is a FEMALE Painter & Decorators. Is that sexist? I mean who cares? YOU GO GIRL! Stand up to the man!! My Mum's currently turning my brother's bedroom into some sort of guest suite, but she's not in there burning her bra and playing the ruddy Spice Girls on her paint-splattered radio.

The other, slightly worrying thing is that although it's a great pun, would you want to advertise a company where you're welcomed else's home as a female that gets "overcome with emotion?" Not exactly a good ad is it? "Sorry, I meant to finish the daido rail today but I broke down in tears and painted BASTARD! in Antique Satin across the wardrobe instead. Might need another week."

#MovieTowns

Well, I hope you lot can keep this up, cos there's gonna be more, believe me.

Yesterday saw the return of the new start-of-the-week-turn-that-frown-upside-down-athon that I've taken upon myself to curate in the hope of making Mondays that little bit brighter. Last night my pal Dave said it might have the opposite effect, in that he's afraid of being given the heave-ho should he be caught either giggling furiously, or staring at a wall, driving around his thoughts for a town that rhymes with "-minator."

I'm sticking strictly to a top 20 from now on. No, wait.. ok, 30.
Let's see what you came up with:

[30] No Country For Oldham
[29] The Eagle Has Llandudno
[28] The Lyon, The Witch And The Wardrobe
[27] Ace Fuerta Ventura
[26] Jason And The Praganouts
[25] Fromeward Bound
[24] Kevin And Paris Go Large (French pronunciation!)
[23] Stockholm Alone
[22] Basing Stoker's Dracula
[21] The Good, The Band And The Rugby
[20] Oh Brother, Where Art Slough?
[19] Planes, Staines And Automobiles
[18] The Dehliphant Man
[17] So I Married An Ajax Murderer
[16] Ottawa Lovely War
[15] Lille Shop of Horrors
[14] 10 Things I Hate About Crewe
[13] Fleet of the Navigator
[12] How To Lewes a Guy in 10 Days
[11] Goole Runnings
[10] Munsters Inc.
[09] Miamélie
[08] What's Eton Guilbert Grape?
[07] Con Ayr
[06] Beijingle All The Way
[05] Johannamontanasberg
[04] Look Who's Dorking
[03] Silent Widnes
[02] Batterseas Not Included
[01] Last Acton Hero

Bloody excellent work yet again. The end of year compendium is going to be bumper!

My efforts were few and far between, cos I was actually pretty busy yesterday, but I can't let you keep upstaging me like this, or I'm going to look quite the plonker:

Ashby-de-la-Zouchlander
Rye Am Legend
Johnny Come Yately
The Windsor the Dove
Morley And Me
Olney The Lonely
Thank You For Woking

Thanks again!

TFI Punday 2: Pun Harder

Happy Monday my delicious entourage!

You look smashing today. Well done you. I can tell you're fired up and ready to take on the world this week, and all credit to you for doing so. And to spark up that Monday morning, and more importantly to end that constant lip licking (they'll chap!), I welcome you all to the second ever TFI Punday!

After last week's roaring success and brightening up the start to your week, we're back with another game to cheer the nations(s). So let's go!

Today's topic is: #MovieTowns

By the way.. anyone wondering why there's a hash symbol infront of these, it's a Twitter thing. If you are a non-Tweeter I can only apologise, and assure you its not my fingers having a spasm and accidently presing Shift + 3 over and over.

Back to the game! Yes, #MovieTowns - so towns and cities of England (and the world!) crossed beautifully with the names of blockbusters and indie flicks alike. For example:

I Norwich You Did Last Summer
Laberystwynth
Doverfield

You get the picture! Get going! As last week, you can leave your suggestions here, on the Facebook group or tagged with #MovieTowns on Twitter.

Catch you on the flipside.

Brighton up your weekend

Last weekend, my better half and I took ourselves on a little day trip to Brighton. A lovely day of sunshine, cockles on the beach and annoying tired friends who work in shoe shops was obviously interlaced with the beady-eyed intrigue of pun skimming. A technique that I've perfected over the years.

Only two were clocked as we wandered from the top of the Laines down to the beach though. The first of which was just ten yards from where we parked:



This one's been well documented in the punnery word, so I'm glad to have finally seen it for myself. It's like when you first turn the corner and see the Eiffel Tower, in a way. Probably better. Certainly funnier.



A simple one letter changeover was the other culprit. As ever, wondering how the owner's come up with the name, I hoped that there was a heated discussion betwixt the normally happy couple over this one..

"Of COURSE it has to be in Brighton... Suck it and SEA... Get it!? S. E. A... Think of the walk-by trade Colin!!" (I'd imagine the chap in this relationship is called Colin. I have no evidence to back this up, though).

Hey!

Remember tomorrow brings the second ever TFI Punday! That's something to look forward too, isn't it? I'm such a bloody love, bringing all this joy into your lives. You can thank me later, ok? I like Toblerone.

Change. Let's climb it.

Happy Blog Action Day!

"What the fun does that mean?" you shout from your affordable housing. Well, chaps it's time you thought a little bit about Climate Change.

Don't worry, I'm not about to get preachy. I hate those mutlicoloured, tabbard-clad, spreadeagle hipsters that line highstreets up and down the nation, telling you "It's only £2 a month mate! That's less than a pint!!" as much as you do. I'll let you do the research yourself, should you so choose.



Have a smashing day now, won't you.

The results are in!

Thank you several times over to thos of you who took part in the first ever TFI Punday! It was a roaring success and I was told that it increased Monday morning cheeriness by 68%! The highest rise since records began, which admittedly was on Monday but YES!

Here, condensed neatly for you in reverse order is my Top 26 #CelebrityFood puns we were able to collect during our inaugral day. It would've been a Top 10, but the standard was very high.

[26] Yoko Oxo
[25] Tet Li
[24] Joe Calzone
[23] Shallot Church
[22] Orangina G
[21] Steve Lambshanq
[20] Saled Jones
[19] Avril Tagine
[18] Eric Bisto
[17] Okra Winfrey
[16] Robert Downey Tuna
[15] Sir Anchovi Hopkins
[14] Notorious BLT
[13] Casseroald Dahl
[12] Damon AllBran
[11] Pavarosti
[10] Kris Moussakabusi
[09] Dylan Meringue
[08] Lily Alpen
[07] Peter Entrée
[06] Celine Dijon
[05] Christina Spagbolera
[04] Danny DoRito
[03] Jean Claude Canned Ham
[02] Pjörk
[01] LasEnya

Yup, I stated it early on, but I'm not sure anyone topped my pal Flange's Lasenya. Though I dont fancy a layered dish of warpling Irish songbird for tea tonight, thanks very much. Also, a special mention to Leigh who came up with about 30% of that list. Absolutely tremendous work, son!

The best I mustard (yeah, that was on purpose):

Andrew WKD Blue
Tiramisu Pollard
Brieanna
Steve Battenburg
Ally McCoys

Can't wait til next week!

TFI Punday!

Dearest readers,

It has come to my attention in recent years that people don't like Mondays. Yes, a shocking revelation if ever there was one, but it's the truth.

I constantly see people wishing away their lives so they can once again taste the sweet nectar of the weekend, only to arrive abruptly at their most hated weekday just 48 hours later. The harrowing regularity of "Roll on the weekend / Jesus is it Monday already" statii on Facebook makes me terribly sad.

So, how do we solve this? Well, I have devised a small step, but hopefully a monumental one in turning those Monday blues on their head.

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the first ever TFI Punday!

Every week, for 1440 minutes, you are invited to join in a pun off of elephantine proportions. We'll be playing across the the world, all in the duty of making Mondays fun.

Join me on Twitter, Facebook, carrier pigeon and whatever else you can use to get these acts of wordplay to me. And it will be magnificent!

This week's topic is #CelebrityFoods

Things you can eat, things you can drink, condiments, ingredients and all in between. Crossed magestically with those famous guys and girls we love to hate or just plain ruddy love.

To get the ball rolling, here's a few that prevented me from sleeping last night:

Dame Edna Beverage
Gerard Butter
Lemonet

The Facebook Group has a discussion which you are all invited to, and thepunningman on Twitter invites your contributions to be tagged with #tfiPunday and #CelebrityFood - Let's trend this mother!

I look forward to hearing from you.

The Good, Kebab, and The Ugly

A charming young chap by the name of Campbell emailed me a (admittedly long) while ago with a pair of puns so good that I almost fell of my little chair. I've had to research their existance, they were so fine. I can only apologise to him for suggesting he may have devised them himself. Although, in a way, it's a compliment to his suspected wit, so he can't even be angry at me.

Firstly, a place that sells Spanish doors. Now you can probably see where I'm coming from here. This sounds so construed that it can't be real, right? Well, hold onto your sombrero's, mis amigos:



I know. I couldn't believe it either.

Thankfully, his other effort, I had 100% confidence in. Given that the finest pun I've been sent to date belongs to Jason Doner Van, the fact that there is not one, but an entire chain of these around Ireland does not surprise me, but does fill me with joy:



Now that's magic.

I'm gonna lay something on you that you might not believe yourself here, however. Are you ready?

I have never, hand on heart, eaten a kebab. And yes, I do like a drink. I used to frequent a (sadly no longer with us) rock club pretty much every Friday evening for a long period and never dined on the startling elephant leg that rotated in Farnborough Kebab & Burger opposite.

Such was my fear of the pisshead connoiseur's favourite dish that one Christmas Eve, after enjoying one too many jars of dizzy juice, I chose the frankly substandard fish and chips from their menu rather than a 'bab.

And while my friend Dunk and I sat on the steps of the nearby HSBC, dining a Christmas meal feast I never want to repeat, we saw a sight that will bond us together in teroor, and will be forever burnt upon my retinas. The Gunrack of Christmas Present, squatting gently in an alleyway "going for a quick slash".

I never finished that cod.

What are the Oz?

My pal Dave recently returned from the Land Down Under, and with him he brought a pair of Aussie puns for you all to feast on. First up is a pretty famous one by all accounts, and I can see why:



From what I gather, it's not actually run by a group of abandoned children serving up the fruits of their latest hunt, though. Which is a bit of a shame really. However, I guess hunting potatoes is actually child's play, so wouldn't be quite as impressive.

If those same kid's just wanted to potter about in a nearby allotment to unwind after a hard days killing, they'd do much worse than to come here:



Now there's an exhibition I'd like to visit. It is Turner Prize time, after all. What do these guys do? Paint with courgettes?

Twitter you like it or not

Social networking aficionados will be delighted to know you can now follow The Punning Man on Twitter! Those who dislike such websites will no doubt be disgusted and think me quite the sell out. Well sod you.

Expect hashtag battles aplenty.

Bruising and boozing

Yesterday I was back in the motherland to attend Nam Jam 4, a great little skateboarding day out for all the old locals from around Farnham, organised by Gav. It was another terrific day, and was great to see old faces and fall over a bit.

As always, a few prizes for "Best Trick" were gathered from the Lidl opposite the skatepark. Obviously this yields some exotic treats for the victors to take home. Italian chocolate footballs, raspberry log, a litre of White Lightning.. You know the kind of thing.

But the coffee wine (yes, coffee wine) was the real highlight:



Don't worry, it got finished.

The pun is mightier and abroad

Tonight I present you with an overseas special. And, of course, this comes complete with an update from your friend and mine, Ben:



Toronto must be setting some kind of record for puns-per-square-mile. I'm just glad we have an aide there to snare them all. Sometimes I lay awake at night, distressed by the millions of puns out there that I'll never see! Oh dear, I'll have to stop. I've run out of deoderant and this is distressing me.

Not wanting Toronto to get all the Candaian glory, On a recent trip to Montreal, Emily spotted this denim store:



..which is one of my favourites of recent weeks.

Dr Dave Thirde just got back from California, where he took in the sights and bytes of Silicon Valley. To call that nerdy does a disservice to the word, I think. At least he got to see some otters while he was there too. And they're bloody hilarious.

Anyway, among the throb of Irish Pubs that the states has to offer, he spotted this:



Dere's more to Oirland dan dis.

And finally, (and somewhat unsurprisingly, given his fondness of HTML) a different, but equally tech-savvy Dave found this in Italia:



Bravo, everyone

Abseil of the Century

Yesterday I represented the good people at Banquet Records at the University of Surrey Freshers Fayre. It was very busy and full of eager young scholars who just couldn't wait to sign up to the Trampolining Society or get a wristband which entitled them 20p off a bottle of water at Weatherspoons (no, I am not kidding).

Behind our stall was the Rock Climing Society, and emblazened across the back of their lovely tshirts was this:



Don't worry, this isn't proof of child labour. I can confirm this chap is of a decent age. He just loves good value for money and thought that rock climbing was a good way of achieving that.

The key to a Sussex-ful marriage

A couple of months ago Eleanor and I went to the wedding of her old friends Julie and Jim down in Worthing. I love a good wedding, and let me tell you.. this was a brilliant one. For starters, it was in a cinema! Not one of your soulless, sticky floored multiplexes, oh no. This was a lovely little place right on the seafront. There were kids with cheekfulls of popcorn flooding the place after the ceremony. It was magic.

Add to this the first dance being Metallica, the only beer on tap being Asahi, as well as there being more (great) food than you can shake a ruddy large stick at available at all times, then you've already got a cracking do.

Post "I do's", we all hung out on the balcony, supping on Pimms and overlooking the beautiful briney when there was a sudden "WHAT THE.....!?" mumur from a few of the guests. A peek over the balcony to the bus stop outside the venue cleared up what that was all about:



Julie's folks had organised for a pair of llamas to join in the days festivities, of course! What do you mean you hadn't guessed?

They were very well behaved too, considering they'd never been to a wedding before. There was no drunken dancing or trying to feel up one of the bridesmaids from them (Thankfully, cos Eleanor was a bridesmaid, and I think she quite liked white one). The worst behaviour from them was releasing a few little chocolate hostages on the beach. And that was quite cute, if anything.

We've another wedding to go to down on the south coast next year. No pressure Laurence.

Thread Lightly, Speak Dearly

Although I stress to everyone how important it is to get photographs of the puns they spot (I never want this to be a rehash of lists from other sites which several people have sent me before), but some you just can't take a photo of.

A good example of this is websites. Today's entry comes from Gary, who has been keeping up on his needlepoint and cross stitch enough to find this quaint corner of the internet:



Sew good.

Women Are From Venus, Pun Are From Ma's

Mums, eh? They brought you into this world, and they can take you out of it! Or at least, that's what the guests on Rikki Lake used to say. I'm pretty sure that's murder, but I wouldn't argue with them.

Today I present you with the first entry supplied by a Mum! The dear old mother of KT has sent in a hairdressers she spotted in Victoria while on a coach trip! How wonderful is that?



Superb. I wish my old dear had the ability to spot one, but she's too busy not drinking the endless cups of tea she makes my Dad get her, or daydreaming about Barry Manilow. I kid you not, I went home to visit last weekend and found a note to my brother from here which read:

"Jez,
can you feed the cat please,
I'm with Barry.
Love Mum, x"

WITH Barry!? Honestly Mum, you're bonkers. And Barry looks like someone's forced him face-first through a vacuum these days, the poor old sod.

He's still got it though.
"COULD IT BE MAGIC!?"

All's not lots

Right.. That's it. I've been more slack than Samuel Slack of Slackington Vale of late, so today I present to you a veritable smörgåsbord of delicacies from around the country.

First off, my valued co-founder of the world-famous 4pm Wispa and a Cuppa Club (join the revolution here), Pete. On a side note, I discovered only yesterday that the Wispa Gold has finally made a comeback. The glory days of confectionary have truly returned! Well done, Mr Cadburys.

Pete spotted this one while out jogging(!) along Hove seafront:



Quite rare that the shop name adequetly describes the pun aswell! I think the photo's a bit wonky because Pete was clicking his fingers and shouting "Shutterly Faaaaabulouth!" at the same time.

The Danny Barnes is from the same neck of the woods, but I'm not sure where he caught this one:



One for the Christians there! My dad's big on it, and we always used to get fish 'n' chips on a Friday from Cove's finest chippy. That was until my brother started going to Karate on a Friday evening, so we swapped it for Thursdays! The Disciples would be well narked at Mr Miyagi, but let's face it, he'd take all twelve of them out.

Next, a Newcastle van spotted by driver to the stars, Chris Kiely:



Good timing on that one, considering the half marathon is this weekend! This is not all coincidence, I assure you. Unfortunately another thing I can assure you of is that I quite often lose track of who's sent me what, so I have another contribution sans contibutor. Yes, I'm a horrific fraud and I can only apologise again. Here it is:



From now on I'm making serious notes. I've got one of those NEW Oxford notepads with the REALLY white paper. Have you seen those ads? No wonder kids are flying through their GCSEs these days with their fancy schmancy white pads. I had to scribble my notes on the neck of the poor lad sat infront of me.

He's a doctor now.
He doesn't have a witty blog on wordplay, though.

Tourists Syndrome

What it is, you muddas!

Sorry, I've been away in the Big Apple for the past week, and doing everything in ridiculous NYC/Joisey accents was par for the course. I'll try to keep it to a minimum during today's entry.

While I was away I had an inbox influx so there'll be a few updates over the next couple of days. Unfortunately I only collected a pair while I was away (weyoo), and one was a real stock answer, which I only saw at the departure lounge at JFK:



At least we can all cross it off the list now though, can't we?
The other one though (admittedly spotted by my co-tourist, Gin) is a belter:



The angry rabbit is a nice touch. He looks like he has the kind of surly Noo Yoik accent you'd expect from the driver of such a vehicle. So much so that I was fairly nimble in getting this pic. Especially as we were just round the corner from Ground Zero. Can't be too careful in this day and age folks, remember that.

------------------

And as I've been away for over a week without so much as a bird's fart of a pun for you, here's an update from our Brit abroad, Ben, who's got us another trio! Including this one on another wall from Honest Ed's, that purveyor of fine tat and Canuck wordplay:



Yes! Food puns are always good. Well, apart from when theyre a bit forced, like:



Ben writes "This one isn't as good, but I included it because after I took it, the owner came over to our van, interrupted our A&W hot dog lunch, to tell us (rather aggressively) that he had the name copyrighted. I told him about the site. but i think the words 'blog' and 'pun' had somehow eluded his already limited vocabulary." Well, anger spices this up nicely if you ask me, which you probably would've.

But finally, Ben steal the show, yet again with the first ever haberdasher on The Punning Man:



Das it right dere.