Training day

I feel like I've been on trains a lot this week. And don't the just bombard you with adverts on there? Up and down the escalators, in the carraiges, on the platforms, I'm surprised the ticket inspectors aren't taught a spiel by Comet for every time you have to show him you aren't bunking.

But, this is of course a wonderful place for puns of all shapes and sizes to hide, as Gary found out when using good old South West Trains this week.



Perfect punning there, and an ideal opportunity for advertisers to once again bring up that pphoto of Hugh that we may otherwise have forgotten about. Ah, the golden boy of British cinema, eh.

I'm pretty shocked that no-one had spotted this one and sent me it though:



Multi-punning of the highest order, and the size of an Elephant and Castle! Come on people, spot it yourself and you could be Tooting your own horn!

Nepalling taste

While travelling through Nepal, Kerry spotted this roof top café and took a photo of it, even though she's never read my blog! Thankfully her brother, the wonderful Dunk does.



I bet it's rocking in there! I heard the menu isn't as good as it was in the 80's though.

Swing when you're winning

It's very important to keep your wits about you when you're wandering about. There's sneaky little bits of punning everywhere. Sometimes they might only be at knee height, as Lucy found out while parading the streets of Bournemouth.



Call me a big old worryguts, but when I'm getting a haircut, the last place I'd go is a barber's names after a David Lynch movie. I'd just be worried the whole time. But then I've only ever had my hair cut by my Mum.

Yes, still to this day..
SHE'S A HAIRDRESSER, ALRIGHT?



This one's a bit less 'clever' I suppose, but another swing sign! Bournmouth loves a bit of it, apparently. I suppose all the old dears are stooped over so it's the perfect advertising technique down there. More succesful than plastering ads around that balloon, I'll wager?

#BoringTV

So the results are in. I did deliberatly try t make it a bit tougher this week, and I think it showed as there was a lot less activity than the previous couple. I'm sorry if it wasn't as enjoyable as previous Mondays, but this is all an experiment, eh? I hope it won't put you off joining in next week.

So! Boring TV, what did you come up with?

[20] Nothing For The Weekend
[19] Neighboreds
[18] Outslumbered
[17] UK Boredom Force
[16] ZZZZzzzzzzzz Cars
[15] Two And a Half Meh
[14] Bland of Brothers
[13] Snoozeround
[12] WWE: Mundane Night Raw
[11] Supermarket Sleep
[10] Friday Night With Johnathan Dross
[09] Question Tame
[08] Strictly Glum Dancing
[07] Indiff'rent Strokes
[06] Bland Designs
[05] Emmerdull
[04] Dreerie Indiana
[03] Beigewatch
[02] Whose Line is it Ennui?
[01] I Own Britain's Best Gnome

That last one is terrific. And, yes! I kept it down to 20 this week. Hooray for me!
Well, I say hooray for me, but this is what I came up with:

Beige Anatomy
Dull or No Dull
Frowned Force

Not much to shout about there, but in my defence, I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl about that Gnome one.

TFI Punday 3: Return of The King

Do you know, these weeks are flying round at the moment. And this one's been a whole hour longer than the last one! (I hope you remembered to put your clocks back, otherwise you're going to be at work early!).

I'm starting to (dare I say it) look forward to Mondays!

Ugh, enough of that. Let's get on with the job at hand. You should know the drill by now! TFI Punday is a 24 hour game of creating puns to a subject in order to make Mondays more tolerable.

This week's subject is:

#BoringTV

Now, it;s worth pointing out here that I don't want you to just list television programmes that you find boring. I once saw BoringBands trend on Twitter, and it was just a load of kids writing "U2! COLDPLAY! LOL! They izz duuuuulll!" and the like. Please don't get lured into that trap, no matter how tempting it may be or how much of an abomination X Factor is.

Here's a couple of examples to set you off:

Last of The Summer Whine
This Yawning

So, as always, tag your Twitter posts with #BoringTV or join us on Facebook, and let's have some ruddy fun, yeah?

Derby day

My friend Steve moans when I don't put up things that he sends me. It's nice to know that people are so desperate to appear on this little blog. Heartwarming, almost.

So here's a little gambling establishment that he found while visiting historic Derby to see everyones favourite naked UK ska circuit stalwarts, Lightyear play a one-off show in celebration of Bars' wedding. I wish I could've been there:



Not much of a pun though. Sean Connery always calls them that.

Ad vans theory

Erstwhile gentleman Matt Boyle has collected me a pair of moving targets to share with you today. Granted, they weren't actually moving when he photographed them, but it makes the capture all the more satisfying when you know your timing was perfect.

Oh my, I've just had the horrible thought of how many beauties I must have missed in the past. Damn you trasportable wordplay! You've (probably) bested me again!

Enough of that, let's dissect:



TV, Video and.. microwave repair? Bit of an odd one to throw in with the previous two. Did he go round an old dear's house who thought her telly was on the blink, only to find out she'd put the microwave in the corner of the lounge? "I just can't seem to tune it in and I want to see Strictly!" she'd gently weep. Not having the heart to tell her, our trusty repairman swaps it for his own TV set, so little Dorris can get her fix of Brucie and the gang. What a hero.



As if owning a Citröen Xsara wasn't enough of an indicator, the lass at Overcome With Emulsion feels it's very necessary to point out that her company is a FEMALE Painter & Decorators. Is that sexist? I mean who cares? YOU GO GIRL! Stand up to the man!! My Mum's currently turning my brother's bedroom into some sort of guest suite, but she's not in there burning her bra and playing the ruddy Spice Girls on her paint-splattered radio.

The other, slightly worrying thing is that although it's a great pun, would you want to advertise a company where you're welcomed else's home as a female that gets "overcome with emotion?" Not exactly a good ad is it? "Sorry, I meant to finish the daido rail today but I broke down in tears and painted BASTARD! in Antique Satin across the wardrobe instead. Might need another week."

#MovieTowns

Well, I hope you lot can keep this up, cos there's gonna be more, believe me.

Yesterday saw the return of the new start-of-the-week-turn-that-frown-upside-down-athon that I've taken upon myself to curate in the hope of making Mondays that little bit brighter. Last night my pal Dave said it might have the opposite effect, in that he's afraid of being given the heave-ho should he be caught either giggling furiously, or staring at a wall, driving around his thoughts for a town that rhymes with "-minator."

I'm sticking strictly to a top 20 from now on. No, wait.. ok, 30.
Let's see what you came up with:

[30] No Country For Oldham
[29] The Eagle Has Llandudno
[28] The Lyon, The Witch And The Wardrobe
[27] Ace Fuerta Ventura
[26] Jason And The Praganouts
[25] Fromeward Bound
[24] Kevin And Paris Go Large (French pronunciation!)
[23] Stockholm Alone
[22] Basing Stoker's Dracula
[21] The Good, The Band And The Rugby
[20] Oh Brother, Where Art Slough?
[19] Planes, Staines And Automobiles
[18] The Dehliphant Man
[17] So I Married An Ajax Murderer
[16] Ottawa Lovely War
[15] Lille Shop of Horrors
[14] 10 Things I Hate About Crewe
[13] Fleet of the Navigator
[12] How To Lewes a Guy in 10 Days
[11] Goole Runnings
[10] Munsters Inc.
[09] Miamélie
[08] What's Eton Guilbert Grape?
[07] Con Ayr
[06] Beijingle All The Way
[05] Johannamontanasberg
[04] Look Who's Dorking
[03] Silent Widnes
[02] Batterseas Not Included
[01] Last Acton Hero

Bloody excellent work yet again. The end of year compendium is going to be bumper!

My efforts were few and far between, cos I was actually pretty busy yesterday, but I can't let you keep upstaging me like this, or I'm going to look quite the plonker:

Ashby-de-la-Zouchlander
Rye Am Legend
Johnny Come Yately
The Windsor the Dove
Morley And Me
Olney The Lonely
Thank You For Woking

Thanks again!

TFI Punday 2: Pun Harder

Happy Monday my delicious entourage!

You look smashing today. Well done you. I can tell you're fired up and ready to take on the world this week, and all credit to you for doing so. And to spark up that Monday morning, and more importantly to end that constant lip licking (they'll chap!), I welcome you all to the second ever TFI Punday!

After last week's roaring success and brightening up the start to your week, we're back with another game to cheer the nations(s). So let's go!

Today's topic is: #MovieTowns

By the way.. anyone wondering why there's a hash symbol infront of these, it's a Twitter thing. If you are a non-Tweeter I can only apologise, and assure you its not my fingers having a spasm and accidently presing Shift + 3 over and over.

Back to the game! Yes, #MovieTowns - so towns and cities of England (and the world!) crossed beautifully with the names of blockbusters and indie flicks alike. For example:

I Norwich You Did Last Summer
Laberystwynth
Doverfield

You get the picture! Get going! As last week, you can leave your suggestions here, on the Facebook group or tagged with #MovieTowns on Twitter.

Catch you on the flipside.

Brighton up your weekend

Last weekend, my better half and I took ourselves on a little day trip to Brighton. A lovely day of sunshine, cockles on the beach and annoying tired friends who work in shoe shops was obviously interlaced with the beady-eyed intrigue of pun skimming. A technique that I've perfected over the years.

Only two were clocked as we wandered from the top of the Laines down to the beach though. The first of which was just ten yards from where we parked:



This one's been well documented in the punnery word, so I'm glad to have finally seen it for myself. It's like when you first turn the corner and see the Eiffel Tower, in a way. Probably better. Certainly funnier.



A simple one letter changeover was the other culprit. As ever, wondering how the owner's come up with the name, I hoped that there was a heated discussion betwixt the normally happy couple over this one..

"Of COURSE it has to be in Brighton... Suck it and SEA... Get it!? S. E. A... Think of the walk-by trade Colin!!" (I'd imagine the chap in this relationship is called Colin. I have no evidence to back this up, though).

Hey!

Remember tomorrow brings the second ever TFI Punday! That's something to look forward too, isn't it? I'm such a bloody love, bringing all this joy into your lives. You can thank me later, ok? I like Toblerone.

Change. Let's climb it.

Happy Blog Action Day!

"What the fun does that mean?" you shout from your affordable housing. Well, chaps it's time you thought a little bit about Climate Change.

Don't worry, I'm not about to get preachy. I hate those mutlicoloured, tabbard-clad, spreadeagle hipsters that line highstreets up and down the nation, telling you "It's only £2 a month mate! That's less than a pint!!" as much as you do. I'll let you do the research yourself, should you so choose.



Have a smashing day now, won't you.

The results are in!

Thank you several times over to thos of you who took part in the first ever TFI Punday! It was a roaring success and I was told that it increased Monday morning cheeriness by 68%! The highest rise since records began, which admittedly was on Monday but YES!

Here, condensed neatly for you in reverse order is my Top 26 #CelebrityFood puns we were able to collect during our inaugral day. It would've been a Top 10, but the standard was very high.

[26] Yoko Oxo
[25] Tet Li
[24] Joe Calzone
[23] Shallot Church
[22] Orangina G
[21] Steve Lambshanq
[20] Saled Jones
[19] Avril Tagine
[18] Eric Bisto
[17] Okra Winfrey
[16] Robert Downey Tuna
[15] Sir Anchovi Hopkins
[14] Notorious BLT
[13] Casseroald Dahl
[12] Damon AllBran
[11] Pavarosti
[10] Kris Moussakabusi
[09] Dylan Meringue
[08] Lily Alpen
[07] Peter Entrée
[06] Celine Dijon
[05] Christina Spagbolera
[04] Danny DoRito
[03] Jean Claude Canned Ham
[02] Pjörk
[01] LasEnya

Yup, I stated it early on, but I'm not sure anyone topped my pal Flange's Lasenya. Though I dont fancy a layered dish of warpling Irish songbird for tea tonight, thanks very much. Also, a special mention to Leigh who came up with about 30% of that list. Absolutely tremendous work, son!

The best I mustard (yeah, that was on purpose):

Andrew WKD Blue
Tiramisu Pollard
Brieanna
Steve Battenburg
Ally McCoys

Can't wait til next week!

TFI Punday!

Dearest readers,

It has come to my attention in recent years that people don't like Mondays. Yes, a shocking revelation if ever there was one, but it's the truth.

I constantly see people wishing away their lives so they can once again taste the sweet nectar of the weekend, only to arrive abruptly at their most hated weekday just 48 hours later. The harrowing regularity of "Roll on the weekend / Jesus is it Monday already" statii on Facebook makes me terribly sad.

So, how do we solve this? Well, I have devised a small step, but hopefully a monumental one in turning those Monday blues on their head.

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the first ever TFI Punday!

Every week, for 1440 minutes, you are invited to join in a pun off of elephantine proportions. We'll be playing across the the world, all in the duty of making Mondays fun.

Join me on Twitter, Facebook, carrier pigeon and whatever else you can use to get these acts of wordplay to me. And it will be magnificent!

This week's topic is #CelebrityFoods

Things you can eat, things you can drink, condiments, ingredients and all in between. Crossed magestically with those famous guys and girls we love to hate or just plain ruddy love.

To get the ball rolling, here's a few that prevented me from sleeping last night:

Dame Edna Beverage
Gerard Butter
Lemonet

The Facebook Group has a discussion which you are all invited to, and thepunningman on Twitter invites your contributions to be tagged with #tfiPunday and #CelebrityFood - Let's trend this mother!

I look forward to hearing from you.

The Good, Kebab, and The Ugly

A charming young chap by the name of Campbell emailed me a (admittedly long) while ago with a pair of puns so good that I almost fell of my little chair. I've had to research their existance, they were so fine. I can only apologise to him for suggesting he may have devised them himself. Although, in a way, it's a compliment to his suspected wit, so he can't even be angry at me.

Firstly, a place that sells Spanish doors. Now you can probably see where I'm coming from here. This sounds so construed that it can't be real, right? Well, hold onto your sombrero's, mis amigos:



I know. I couldn't believe it either.

Thankfully, his other effort, I had 100% confidence in. Given that the finest pun I've been sent to date belongs to Jason Doner Van, the fact that there is not one, but an entire chain of these around Ireland does not surprise me, but does fill me with joy:



Now that's magic.

I'm gonna lay something on you that you might not believe yourself here, however. Are you ready?

I have never, hand on heart, eaten a kebab. And yes, I do like a drink. I used to frequent a (sadly no longer with us) rock club pretty much every Friday evening for a long period and never dined on the startling elephant leg that rotated in Farnborough Kebab & Burger opposite.

Such was my fear of the pisshead connoiseur's favourite dish that one Christmas Eve, after enjoying one too many jars of dizzy juice, I chose the frankly substandard fish and chips from their menu rather than a 'bab.

And while my friend Dunk and I sat on the steps of the nearby HSBC, dining a Christmas meal feast I never want to repeat, we saw a sight that will bond us together in teroor, and will be forever burnt upon my retinas. The Gunrack of Christmas Present, squatting gently in an alleyway "going for a quick slash".

I never finished that cod.

What are the Oz?

My pal Dave recently returned from the Land Down Under, and with him he brought a pair of Aussie puns for you all to feast on. First up is a pretty famous one by all accounts, and I can see why:



From what I gather, it's not actually run by a group of abandoned children serving up the fruits of their latest hunt, though. Which is a bit of a shame really. However, I guess hunting potatoes is actually child's play, so wouldn't be quite as impressive.

If those same kid's just wanted to potter about in a nearby allotment to unwind after a hard days killing, they'd do much worse than to come here:



Now there's an exhibition I'd like to visit. It is Turner Prize time, after all. What do these guys do? Paint with courgettes?

Twitter you like it or not

Social networking aficionados will be delighted to know you can now follow The Punning Man on Twitter! Those who dislike such websites will no doubt be disgusted and think me quite the sell out. Well sod you.

Expect hashtag battles aplenty.

Bruising and boozing

Yesterday I was back in the motherland to attend Nam Jam 4, a great little skateboarding day out for all the old locals from around Farnham, organised by Gav. It was another terrific day, and was great to see old faces and fall over a bit.

As always, a few prizes for "Best Trick" were gathered from the Lidl opposite the skatepark. Obviously this yields some exotic treats for the victors to take home. Italian chocolate footballs, raspberry log, a litre of White Lightning.. You know the kind of thing.

But the coffee wine (yes, coffee wine) was the real highlight:



Don't worry, it got finished.

The pun is mightier and abroad

Tonight I present you with an overseas special. And, of course, this comes complete with an update from your friend and mine, Ben:



Toronto must be setting some kind of record for puns-per-square-mile. I'm just glad we have an aide there to snare them all. Sometimes I lay awake at night, distressed by the millions of puns out there that I'll never see! Oh dear, I'll have to stop. I've run out of deoderant and this is distressing me.

Not wanting Toronto to get all the Candaian glory, On a recent trip to Montreal, Emily spotted this denim store:



..which is one of my favourites of recent weeks.

Dr Dave Thirde just got back from California, where he took in the sights and bytes of Silicon Valley. To call that nerdy does a disservice to the word, I think. At least he got to see some otters while he was there too. And they're bloody hilarious.

Anyway, among the throb of Irish Pubs that the states has to offer, he spotted this:



Dere's more to Oirland dan dis.

And finally, (and somewhat unsurprisingly, given his fondness of HTML) a different, but equally tech-savvy Dave found this in Italia:



Bravo, everyone

Abseil of the Century

Yesterday I represented the good people at Banquet Records at the University of Surrey Freshers Fayre. It was very busy and full of eager young scholars who just couldn't wait to sign up to the Trampolining Society or get a wristband which entitled them 20p off a bottle of water at Weatherspoons (no, I am not kidding).

Behind our stall was the Rock Climing Society, and emblazened across the back of their lovely tshirts was this:



Don't worry, this isn't proof of child labour. I can confirm this chap is of a decent age. He just loves good value for money and thought that rock climbing was a good way of achieving that.