TFI Punday

Good morning on this cold and foggy Winter's day. As an early Christmas treat (and I do mean early. It's still November, put the mince pies away love) I'm creaking open the door to TFI Punday!

My young, handsome friend Ben has recently invited his Facebook pals to a game, whereby his wall has been filled with puns galore. The aim, to make a person's name out of a phrase.

Some of the best so far being:

Paddy O'Doors
Gillian Icecream
Jim Membership
Emerson Messenger
Pierre Pressure

You get the drift, yeah? So let's have some fun with this one today! May I suggest if youre playing on Twitter we use the tag #phrasenames.

OK, go!

Rye humour

I was pointed in the direction today, of a blog of pure, unbridled perfection. It is for minds like this that Tumblr exists. Good friends, I give you, Bread People.



Enjoy, but do clean up the crumbs.

Furrys a jolly good fellow

Thanks a bundle to one of my constant suppliers, Rosie for not only finding me a pair of puns to put up, but having the decency to make sure they're themed! Pets may well win prizes, but not unless they're groomed to a good standard. And if de-shedding is what your moggy needs, then this tool can sort it out:



I want you all to take note of how I avoided any "grooming your pussy" jokes there. Yes, I know I've brought it up now, but if I didn't nip it in the bud right here, one of you jokers would've come out with it and claimed some sort of comedy crown which just doesn't ruddy well belong to you, ok?

Anger aside, let's get cutesy:



Aww. I'm reliably informed that this establishment is re-opening in Fulham soon, much to the relief of Greater London's pug community.

NO "DOGGY STYLE" JOKES EITHER, RIGHT?

Good, thanks!

Spar Wars

A couple of weeks ago, for the first time ever, I contributed my vocal chords to what will be a real record, which will be released and everything. Luckily for the listeners of said record, I was part of a gang vocal, and not the lead or anything frighteningly real like that.

The studio was set in deepest, darkest Deptford, and fortunately the off license next door provided adequate sustenance for destroying one's voice before shouting on a rooftop. Upon reaching the till, the always well-placed sweetie rack beneath bore something resembling the humble Blackjack, but this little neighbour of Fruit Salads was a Star Wars related treat:



I nearly fell over at the revelation of it all, which I suppose would've been appropriate given we recording the last ever Down I Go single, but fortunately I was firm-footed enough to grab a photo, and was even treated to one of the bars by my pal Tom. But that may have only been because he needed to spend over a fiver to be permitted to pay on a card. What a hero.

TFI Punday Comp Results

A sincere thank you to all of you who provided entries for last Monday's #TFIPunday. I'm not sure if the increased activity and constantly lit "new mail" icon on my desktop was to do with the offer of reward rather than just for good old fashioned fun this time, but I was pleased nonetheless!

I asked for you to come up with some suitably red-top headlines for a pair of stories from the BBC News site. The first, a report on how every peeping Tom's favourite new tool, Google Street View, has recently delved into the Antarctic, providing a detailed look at lots of snow.

The second, a sad tale about a vineyard in rural France had been robbed of all it's Cabernet Sauvignon grapes.

And so, I offer you up the winners, and some very closely placed runner's up who deserve your applause, if not a crummy tshirt and tote bag.

For the Google story, I chose Jed's ode to everyone's favourite chocolate biscuit:

C-C-C-CLICK ON A PENGUIN!

But a pair of others I particularly enjoyed were

Google Cars In Pole Position (Matt, Kingston)
Google on Adelie Diet (Lars, US)

And for the wine story, a headline worthy of gracing any front page:

FROGS LEG IT WITH WHITE WINE SOURCE

An delicious piece of summing up from Simon there, I'm sure you'll agree. Matt was VERY close in stealing the prize with his effort below, but this one tickled me just slightly more.

Grape & Pillage (Matt, Kingston)
Cabernet SauvignYOINK! (Gaz, Bristol)
Another Vine Mess you've got us into (Gary, US)
Detectives Draw a Blanc in Wine Case (Gary, US)

Thanks to everyone who bothered to enter again. I hope it brightened up your Monday as much as it did mine. I'll be looking to do more in the near future. Simon and Jed, I'll email you personally to sort out your prizes!

And just for fun today, shall we do one of the old school TFI Punday's? Yeah! Why not. We're all friends here. How about...

Nice Films (or #nicefilms for the tweeters among you)

Like, making film titles just a bit... nicer. That would be lovely, wouldn't it? Y'know, like:

Lock Stock And Two Stroking Flannels
28 Days Lighter
The Goodfather

Hooray! Let's do this.

TFI Punday COMPETITION!

The rumours are true! Worry not about tube strikes and horrendous weather, because the best day of the week has returned! Yes, TFI Punday is BACK!

For those of you who are new readers to this little nook in the internet, TFI Punday was my own little attempt at bringing some sunshine back into Mondays (generally regarded as the least popular day of the seven). Every week I set a topic like Food Films or Kitchen Songs and for the next 24 hours or so I'd be bombarded with jokes from everyone I knew and a lot of people that I didn't. And how we all laughed and cried together. It was truly a beautiful thing.

But things evolve and morph, and as such TFI Punday will have a little twist this time 'round. This time, it IS a competition! I've scoured the news for stories that are a little out-of-the-ordinary, and they will be our subjects. I want a headline for each one, plain and simple. And not only that, there are prizes! Dramatic music please!

The best headline for each story will receive an official Punning Man "PUNS NOT GUNS" tshirt and a tote bag of their choice from The Punning Man Boutique!

So, here are your stories to title. As you'll see, the Beeb haven't exactly gone all out with their efforts:

Google Street View hits Antarctic

and

French thieves steal entire Cabernet Sauvignon vineyard

I hope this feeds your minds and cheers up this otherwise gloomy Monday for you. And you could win what has been voted the "Best Tshirt Ever" for you your trouble! That might be a lie.

Join in on Twitter (tag with #tfipunday), Facebook or email your entries to sean@thepunningman.com

Red Top of The Pops

There are some things which are just quintessentially British, even though you may not like that fact. The Royal Family, rain, queuing, whinging about The Royal Family, rain and queuing, and of course, Sir Cliff Richard.

Sir Cliff's been around longer than sand, but at the ripe old age of 70 he still looks the part when sunning himself on the beach! And apparently, this is worthwhile a story enough to print it in the national presses.

At least the News of The World had the decency to headline this particular non-event with a pun which absolutely knocked me for six though:



That's whacked them straight to number one in the chart's for quality headlines! Step up red messrs, you have your work cut out beating that one!

Christmas is punning

There's a nice little article on the Creative Review blog about Harvey Nic's Christmas Cards (yes, I'm afraid it's probably time to start thinking about that now, dear readers), which have typical Christmas fayre illustrated into celebrities.



This one of our sour-faced Scottish pal being my favourite.
Check out the blog post here.

Thanks to Nikki for the tip off!

Fire Like This

Nothing pleases me more then when something which essentialy quite boring tries to liven itself up with a well executed pun. Let's take the world of fireplaces, for example. Hardly the Ferrari showroom, is it? But one particular establishment in Wimbledon Chase has stepped up their efforts to get those customers in:



..and I tell you what. When we buy our house, which (if any of the ones we've viewed so far are to go by) will have a fireplace, then this is where we will be shopping.

Thanks to Doc Thirde yet again for that!

And don't forget the joker

Praise be to my old friend Axl, who after much hard drive (as well as soul) searching has been able to find me an absolute beauty from her time in Vancouver back in 2006.



I reckon this must be the joint Lemmy uses to get his leathers looking so spanking!

Puns don't kill people

I've told you before what a big fan I am of tshirts, haven't I?
Well, here's further evidence as to why:



Well, I suppose it's kind of the antithesis of my PUNS NOT GUNS shirt, but I can get on board with this, because let's face it, it;s a beauty!

Designed and sold by the maniacs at Skate Mental, but if you want one in the UK, I'd suggest purchasing from the good people at Bored of Southsea.

And if you want even more shirts, why not visit my online shop? There's plenty of stuff left taking up valuable space in my lounge!

On the road again

There's been a wealth of tomfoolery on the roads the past days, and I'm not talking about bad drivers (though I've seen plenty of examples of that recently too, believe you me). Is always handy having a co-pilot with you to snap anything should something crop up!



Good tip that!



...its what you need if you wanna be a Record Breaker! (ok, that was dedication, but you get the picture. Sorry Roy).

Absolutely invegetable!

Thanks to the one and only Ian Chaddock for sending me this absolute corker he found in Stoke Newington! If East London weren't awash with Burrito places, I'd like to think he'd be in here every day, laughing his lovely head off.



Man, I hope there's a creature hiding in the toilet!

Windows was my idea!

Thanks to Gaz for sending in this van that belongs to an mate of his, in his locale of Brizzle (that's Bristol to the unhip among you).

He says "An old schoolfriend called Ian Doble has started his own glazing company, he couldn't not call it this really could he..? It doesn't say his name on the van though so I assume most people just think he can't spell."



Don't worry Ian, we all know the truth, and we salute you!

Cheese guys!

Thanks to Ian and the good folk at Big Cheese? Magazine who featured The Punning Man in their April issue!



My first bit of coverage in print! Make sure you keep sending me stuff so people have stuff to read, eh? (I am fully aware I've been slack of late. I'm working on it!)

Buy the way...

Thought I'd pop a gentle reminder up here that the official Punning Man merchandise is now available to purchase from our online store, and we're running low on a couple of bits, so get those orders in in time for the sunshine!



Look how happy it's made Tom!
THAT COULD BE YOU!

VISIT THE SHOP

Lads on Torquay

Thanks to Rob, who had the unenviable task of going to Torquay recently, but was able to perk it up by finding this little beauty amongst the traffic.

Snacks of Desperation

Good grief, I've done it again, haven't I? It's been just ages since I've graced your screens, and for that I make the pathetic attempt at apologising once again. After a few months flirting with the world of freelancing, I'm now back in the full on rat race you see, so the pressure's been on. Commuting, late nights, all that.

PATHETIC

Excuses, that's all these are. And you want gags, not excuses! So let's get right into the meaty stuff (sorry veggies.. There's a falafel alternative for you), and I guess we might as well get down to a bumper edition. How's about that?

While I was still freelancing, lunchbreaks were spent scouring towns for puns, but most days went unfulfilled. However, I spent a few days in lovely Twickenham, where I found a pair of beauties:



Quite a dangerous one this, when you're line of work most likely entails dressing up mutton, but I suppose that's the point. I should probably point out that Twickenham doesn't actually have any beaches, either. But I'm sure you knew that.



What's sad about this, is it looks like Jack's given up on the stripping business. I'm guessing he was into woodwork and not the 'Full Monty' line of work. Either way, the recession probably hit poor Jack hard.



I've had this magnet stuck to my fridge for ages, but only the otehr day did it dawn on me just how brilliant it was. Now I know it's all too easy to jump on the bandwagon to shout Nando's praises, but fly me, do they do a mean bird. And it's punorama in that joint! The people grilling the chicken have GRILLERS IN THE MIST plastered across their shirts. That's GOLD, that it. If anyone's got a photo of that it'd be much appreciated.



Another Sean (also formerly of Kingston) sent me this little one, which is as good as it's name claims. I can't vouch for how good they taste, though.



And finally, to end the snacking theme that seems to have emerged, Ryan sent me this, from the crisp packet collection of a man named Dave, which smacks of eightie's childhood so much that I almost shed a little tear for lost youth.

Ok, that's a bit melodramatic, but it is a good'un.

Pizza The Action

Thanks to Paul for sending me in this slice of punnery:



A lovely little one she is!

In other news, all the Punning Man merchandise is now printed and should be with me by the end of the week, so do get your orders in at the official store! Thanks to the good people at GET A GRIP for printing it for us!

The Eggs Factor

Happy Easter to you all! I trust everyone's having a Good Friday? Eleanor and I have been making Easter cakes while listening to Man Like Me. There's been real party vibes up in that kitchen, believe you me!

In celebration of the long weekend, here's one I was sent by Dr Thirde today:



Pretty pricey at 75p for what is, essentially a single Malteaser, but at least they're in the spirit of the time of year. Have a good break everyone!

Fussed Food

Young Steve (he of microphone-headed fame) sent me a couple of signs the other day. I don't mean he was flirting me, you quick-witted "WEYOO!" shouting mongrel. No no, he's given me these for you to chew on (STOP IT):



Ah, fisheries. You keep it up, you lovely chaps.



Now I don't want to rush promote Ronald and chums, but that's pretty good. Apparently there's a few different version of these dotted about, but I think the campaign might be over now. Probably for the best. Don't want the vegans boycotting me!

Perhaps if you picked up one of my bags promoting the art of getting your five a day, it'll all even out? Yeah, that'll do it.

I've Ben So Slack

"Where's that Ben chap who sends you stuff all the time?" they cried from rooftops and alleyways as he strode through the grey streets of London. "He hasn't given you anything in AGES!"

Well, that's not strictly true. Rather, I have not put up his latest submissions through a hybrid of laziness and bad organisation. But at least I have finally got around to it, eh? Because that Ben, he wouldn't let us down!

Instead, on a recent trip to Weymouth to record some tracks by Asbestos for Got Mics Will Travel, he asked the guys if the town held any locally-sourced puns for me (note the deication to the cause. Have you noted that. HAVE YOU!?), and they didnt disappoint:







Three! See how easy this is? God bless the south coast. It has come up trumps on more than one occasion for this old blog, let me tell you. But it doesn't end there, oh no. Ben's a trooper, and so is this little fella apparently:



Who's a good boy?
Well, Ben is, because here's ANOTHER one:



Do try to keep up 007, there's a good chap.

Teddingtonnes of Potential

A little walk around glorious Teddington provided me a stock-up of puns recently. Having been freelancing in Caterham this week, which bore precisely 0.00 puns for me to salivate over, as well as being an utterly dreadful place to spend a lunch hour, I am having a very nice time looking back through these.



Nice to mix things up a bit too! It's not all shopfronts on here you know. You need to look hard in every walk of life to keep me happy, right? Like the humble Doorganizer, for example. Not justr a Dragon's Den-worthy piece of upright engineering, but a name to die for to boot! Lovely work.



I found this novel by Noel Nowosielski (smashing name, by the way Noel) in one of Tedder's bounty of charity shops, where I also confirmed my suspicions that every charity shop in Britain has at leeast one copy of International Velvet by Catatonia. It's the new Jollification, I tell you.



And lastly, a personal favourite, given my profession. Top Trumps for graphic designers? Holy Helvetica Batman! Sign me up.

Economy of scales

A very nice tall man called Simon emailed me ages ago to show me a van he spotted who could supply you with everything your little fishies could ever want:



I used to have goldfish when I was a little boy. One was called Goldie and one was called Brownie. This may give you a window into the extent of my imagination as a child. One day I came home to find that my brother had commited what shall be henceforth known as FISHSLAUGHTER on the poor little beggars by over-feeding them. I don't think I've ever truly forgiven him for it.

RIP boys. I still miss you.

Interview with Guy Swillingham

Shop Horror is a fantastic homage to the beauty of the pun-based shopfront, and Guy Swillingham is our guide on this journey through Britain's best. Here's an extract from the press release:

Guy is an expert on all aspects of High Street Britain’s funny shop names. From truly awful, cringe-inducing howlers to genuinely inventive and original shop fronts, he has researched, found and photographed them all. He has also interviewed the shopkeepers in a bid to find the reasoning or madness behind these amusing store fronts.

This quirky quest has taken him on over 4,000 miles through 340 cities, towns and villages across England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. He returned with a photo collection of over 600 shop fronts. Only the very best of these were admitted to the hall of name and shame that is Shop Horror.



Guy was kind enough to answer a few questions about the book and why it exists. Hopefully this will be the first of a few interviews with important persons in the world of wordplay.

Guy, thanks so much for taking the time to answer some questions. First off, can you tell us a bit about yourself.

I am a TV producer by trade. I was born in Manchester but now live in London.

Have you always been interested in puns?

Yes. I love language and my interest in puns is part of my love of language. Puns get a bad press because they can be very corny and make you cringe. But underlying some puns are some incredibly sophisticated linguistic manipulations.

How did the idea for the book come about?

I’ve always had an interest in jokes that some people think are funny but which others think are terrible. So I started off making fun of bad hair salon names like Hair Razors, Curl Up and Dye and Short Cuts. I thought they were terrible and I wanted to hold them up as an example of bad jokes and terrible shop names. But in looking for them, I started to find really inventive ones such as British Hairways, Lunatic Fringe and Hair-O-Dyenamix. I then found other types of shop with brilliant names. So although I started by making fun of them, I ended up loving these truly amusing shop names. It’s a loving celebration of eccentric British humour.

What is your favourite shop included in the book?

There's so many good ones it's hard to pick a favourite. But if I had to choose, I'd go for the second hand record shop called The Vinyl Resting Place.

Were the owners you approached very forthcoming about the whole thing?

Most were very welcoming and were only too happy to have their shop snapped and to talk about their business. A few less enlightened ones became paranoid that someone wanted to take a photo of their shop.

What do you think constitutes the perfect pun?

The perfect pun is one that relies on a homonym or on the double meaning of one word or expression. Homonyms are two or more words that have the same spelling and pronunciation but different meanings (eg “pole” meaning long stick and “pole” meaning north or south pole). I consider these puns perfect because the double meaning is achieved with no change in spelling or pronunciation.

eg “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”

This line by Groucho Marx (as borrowed for the title of a 1970s single by the Bellamy Brothers) relies on the double meaning of the expression “to hold something against someone”. The humour lies not only in the clever use of a double meaning but also in the contrast between the innocent purported use of the expression “hold it against me” (ie would you hold a grudge) and the cheeky meaning snuck in between the lines (ie to physically hold your body against me).

There is a scale of puns which has the perfect homonym pun at the top. Next down the scale (ie one step less perfect) is the homophone pun (ie words that sound the same but are spelt differently). The further we get away from the perfect pun, the less sophisticated the word play. However, more sophisticated word play is not always that funny. Our response is often an academic appreciation of the punster's word power or the coincidence of double meaning. The less sophisticated the pun the funnier it becomes, up to a point at which the pun fails for being too silly. Look at the scale of puns exemplified below by reference to the Dickens novel Great Expectations

Homonym pun

Great Expectations (maternity wear shop)

Homophone pun

Grate Expectations (fire place shop)

Near Rhyme Pun

Gate Expectations (gate shop)

Far Rhyme Pun

Plate Expectations (crockery shop)

Thanks again to Guy for contributing to my little corner of the internet. You can read a bit more about Shop Horror at the official website shophorror.co.uk, and it's available from all good bookshops.

Oh my Guinness!

Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig oraibh!

Yes, a very Happy St Patrick's Day to you all. Being half the paddy that I am, I love this day, and I get to legitimately express my enjoyment for it, thanks to Jeremiah and Sally (sadly neither of whom are still with us).

In honour of Ireland's favourite son, I dug out an old Jamesons tshirt which was kindly donated to me by my former watering hole:



Hope you all have a few Guinness tonight along with me! Have an old Irish blessing to help you on your way:

"As you slide down the bannister of life, may no splinters point in the wrong direction."

I Could Merde a Pancake

On a short jaunt around our nation's capital last week, I came upon a little van nestled just off the seven dials in Covent Garden. It sold delicious French-style savoury pancakes, but it's name gave off a different impression altogether:



I'll be honest, I didn't try one. Pun or no pun, that's just offputting for a connoisseur such as myself. That monkey's probably a health hazard anyway.

Crate Expectations

Thanks again to Sophe for spotting this little tagline while in a meeting at work. Just goes to show that having a 9-5 doesn't get in the way of punnery:



Simplicity is indeed the key to brilliance.

You Boutique!

Well, here's some big news for me! I've only gone and got some Punning Man merchandise made up! Now you can show your love of wordplay without even opening your mouth!

Let's see what you can feast your wallets on then:


In the kind of world we live in these days, it's important to let everyone know that guns just aren't cool. Use your brains, not your braun! With the PUNS NOT GUNS tshirt, the world will know your stance on the matter. Make it count.


The first time I heard this little beauty I wanted to put it on a bag. And now, here it is. An instant classic, I'm sure you'll agree.


Even Henry Rollins agrees that you should get your five a day. That's why this special fivebar variation of some old punk band will let everyone know that you eat your greens at your TV party!

All of these are available from the brand new Punning Man Boutique, which you can find at thepunningman.bigcartel.com

Time off in Looe

This past weekend I journeyed down to the Westcountry with my family to celebrate my uncles 50th birthday (Many happy returns again Austin!). We we're blessed with days choc-full of glorious British sunshine, and thankfully, the cracking little seaside town of Looe had some wordplay to offer, as well as fantastic views and the freshest fish you could wish for.



This sign hung in the doorway of a boutique selling wooden ornaments, called Knottershop. Strange thing to call it, as it clearly was a shop. It obviously wasn't open, but I could clearly see a till when I peeked in. Do note the little "ish" next to the clock too. Something more laid back you will never find. Lovely stuff.



This one was a little gift shop. The sort you find at every seaside. But they've set themselves aside from the rest by celebrating their position and using the town's name with pride and humour, and good on them for nailing it.



Finally, this was spotted on the breakfast menu at our B&B (Incidentally, if you ever find yourself in Looe, you could do much worse than stay at The Old Bridge House. Good rooms, great breakfasts and Colin and Liz were warm, friendly and charming). I didn't find the florist in question, but the name they've chosen should be celebrated.

It's awful grey back here.
Le sigh.

The Bourne Puntrilogy

The south coast has come up trumps again! A good friend of mine, unfortunately named Flange celebrated his birthday in Bournemouth a couple of weeks ago, which I was sadly unable to attend, as I was sunning myself on a tropical island.

Luckily for me, and you, Sophie was a good enough pal to attend, and has snared the following trio of retirement town pics for us to digest:



I don't know whether the birthday troupe ventured inside the Oceanarium, but if they're good enough to try and tempt you in with a slice of wordplay, then it must be good in my eyes! I went to Siam Ocean World while this lot were wandering around Bournemouth, so maybe I was sending subconcious signals to them through time. Maybe?



A good pun this one, but I am a bit confused by the substitution of an apostrophe for an 'e'. It just makes it a bit more complicated (and slightly like they've employed a signwriter with tourettes, not helped by the capital 'D', either), but we all get it, right? Good.



Now, I almost left out the final one. There's a distinct attempt at a shot st celebrity from three no-hopers here, but as one of them is the birthday boy (no, I won't tell you which), I'm going to let it slide JUST THIS ONCE. Be warned.. If you try and sneak yourself into a photo it will be disregarded, or you might be chopped right out, ÇA VA!?

Glad we got that all straightened out. On with the merriment!

I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

...can you?



Thanks again to Lucy!

Thai Can Only Apologise

Oh my dearest readers, have I not just been the worst of father-figures? Leaving you out in this wretched cold to shivver away, with not a sniff of a post for weeks! Apologies just seem pathetic. Mainly because I swanned off to the delicious climates of Thailand, and found precisely 0:00 minutes to update you or to even find a Thai pun (which are unsurprisingly skimpier than a Chinese desert menu).

A bucketload of sorrys for you all, and by way of some kind of offering, my good friend, Constable Munns has bailed me out with a trio of belters which might just begin to quench your thirst. Two of which spice up the old "Which kind of company puns the most?" debate, as you'll no-doubt spot:



The first, Ian suggest as "poor", which might be a bit brash, but we've certainly seen better, eh?



This one is much better! If only because it's so beautifully subtle that people probably won't even spot it! I suppose there's the chance some may be confused as to whether the store is actually closing down, too. Maybe it's a spelling error! No, surely? The people of Reading aren't that daft.



..and finally. And WHAT a finally. Su Pollard must get free do's at this place in Mitcham, but I suppose at least she doesn't have too much to work with.

'Til next time campers!
(Which I promise will be sooner!)